Ten Behaviors That Promote Connection During Conflict

Intimate relationships can be complicated and the presence of disagreements and conflict are inevitable. The mere existence of disagreements, tension, and conflict in relationships by no means indicates that a relationship is unhealthy or headed for failure however the ways in which couples respond to negative emotional experiences determines the level of health and longevity of a relationship.

When a couple is experiencing differences in opinions, feelings of hurt or disappointment, or negativity associated with a certain interaction or conversation, a rupture or tear in the feelings of connection can occur. Couples who are able to diffuse any tension and prevent conflict from escalating in these instances are likely to engage in certain actions that can strengthen a relationship. These behaviors are known as repair attempts (Gottman & Silver, 2015) and can look like the following:

1. Initiating a time out or break when needed

2. Acknowledgment and admission of being wrong

3. Engaging in self-soothing behaviors to calm down

4. Use of humor

5. Ability to be open and accepting of giving and receiving apologies

6. Practicing active and reflective listening to promote understanding

7. Resetting through soft start-ups (use of “I” statements instead of “you” statements)

8. Expressing gratitude and appreciation

9. Maintaining hope and confidence that issues can be resolved

10. Showing affection

Conflict, tension, or negativity within a relationship does not always have to be a bad thing. Through awareness, practice, openness, and hope, couples can turn these inevitable challenges into opportunities for growth and connection through repair attempts.

~ Cory Stege, M.S., LMFT

Gottman, J.M. & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books, New York.

Fostering Positive and Productive Conversations Through Soft Start-ups

According to studies from renowned couple’s researcher Dr. John Gottman (Gottman & DeClaire, 2001), the first three minutes of an interaction can predict the outcome of a 15-minute conversation. This highlights the significance and influence of the type of approach we use when initiating an interaction.  When conversations do not go so well, there is a good chance that some form of negativity, blaming, or criticism is present at the outset, which can be described as a harsh start-up and usually results in defensiveness and negative emotional reactions. In order to avoid unpleasant conversations triggered by harsh start-ups and instead foster positive and rewarding conversations with intimate partners, family members, friends, or co-workers, we must engage in the opposite approach right off the bat: soft start-ups.  

So what does a soft start-up look like?  

1. Start the conversation by describing what you want or need in positive terms.  

   Example: “I’ve been thinking about how much fun we have when we exercise together.  Can we go running together tomorrow?” 

2. Verbalize feelings of appreciation and gratitude in the context of what you want or need.

   Example: “It means a lot to me when you text me throughout the day to see how I am doing. I’d like to continue checking in with each other when we are apart.” 

3. Use “I” statements to express feelings and/or needs.
   Example: “I am disappointed that I did not get to spend any quality time with you as I had hoped to today. I would love to set aside some time this weekend to catch up with you.”

4. Address concerns/complaints as they come up one at a time instead of letting them fester and then dumping. 
   Example: “I feel frustrated that you canceled our plans last minute this morning. When can we reschedule?”

Like most skills, effective implementation of soft-start ups require awareness and practice but can be extremely rewarding. Because we are all human, there will certainly be times when we find ourselves engaging in harsh start-ups or negative interactions and even though we cannot undo something that we have said, we can make attempts to repair these interactions by revisiting them in a softer way.

~ Cory Stege, M.S., LMFT

Gottman, J. M. & DeClaire, J. (2001). The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships. Harmony Books.

Finding The Silver Lining Through Cognitive Reframing

It is safe to say that 2020 put the majority of us through the ringer without much notice or anticipation.  Challenges and stressors presented themselves in all aspects of life: relationships, health, work, roles and responsibilities, finances, self-care, and accessibility to services and activities that were typical of life pre-COVID-19.  With the pandemic, social injustice, and politics, we have been left with feelings of heaviness, discouragement, anxiety, fear, anger, and hopelessness. These feelings can often influence us to focus on all of the stress and negativity in our world today that may be causing them and how our day-to-day lives have been impacted, which tends to heighten these emotional experiences.

The good news is that even though we don’t always have control over events or situations like those that took place in 2020 that directly or indirectly impact us, we do have the ability to control how we think about them, which therefore influences what types of experiences we have.  Empowering ourselves to choose the types of thoughts we want to welcome in is a game changer especially during uncertain and trying times.   

So how can we create healthier, more satisfying experiences in situations that trigger negativity and stress? By finding the silver lining in each of the challenges we encounter.  This may require us to dig deep since recognizing something positive that may come out of a negative situation may not be so obvious as well as requires us to shift our focus and challenge our automatic thought patterns. 

One effective strategy for taking control of our experiences is through cognitive reframing.  Cognitive reframing is an evidence-based tool within Cognitive Behavior Therapy,  otherwise known as CBT, in which it aims to target ineffective or problematic cognitive processes and elicit more realistic and healthier thought patterns.  This creates alternative perspectives and realities that directly influence the types of experiences we have.  Cognitive reframing can help us find those silver linings that exist within these dark and challenging times.  Here are some reframing prompts that may be helpful with finding our silver linings in any negative situation:

• In what specific ways have my resiliencies and capabilities shown up?

• What opportunities existed that would not otherwise have occurred or been a priority?

• What specific values and beliefs have come to the forefront?

• How can this be an opportunity for growth?

• What are you grateful for as a result of this situation?

• What is the lesson learned?

So whenever you find yourself focusing on the negative aspects of any given situation or are struggling with a negative emotional experience, empower yourself to choose to find the silver lining.  

~ Cory Stege, M.S., LMFT

Telehealth/Teletherapy: The Benefits and Risks

By now most industries that previously took place in person are in the process of transitioning business operations to be done virtually.  Luckily, mental health treatment and therapy are services that have the ability to continue through telehealth or teletherapy amidst the current social distancing guidelines.  For some, this is critical since support and treatment are needed more so now with the unique stressors and uncertainty of these unprecedented times.   

So what exactly is telehealth and teletherapy? Therapists can provide therapy and mental health treatment to clients in real time telephone or video sessions.  If this sounds appealing, clients should request the specific means by which telehealth will be provided. Therapists must provide telehealth/teletherapy through a HIPAA compliant platform, which means there are specific steps and measures taken in order to provide safe and secure services.  This also means that clients should try to find a private location in which there are minimal distractions during a telehealth session.

Some of the benefits of telehealth include:

• Convenience.  This is by far the most significant aspect of telehealth.  Necessary mental health treatment and therapy services can continue to be provided and received from the comfort of home.  Besides complying with the current social distancing guidelines, telehealth removes the stress of transportation, parking, and some childcare costs. 

• Scheduling/timeliness.  Because of the convenience factor, telehealth positively influences availability for both providers and clients. Those of us who are working from home may experience a change in our schedules that may allow more availability to focus on self-care and providers may be offering late or early session times throughout the day to accommodate needs of children or family members.   

• Accessibility.  Prior to the current pandemic, clients faced challenges with being able to physically make it into an office to receive treatment or therapy for a variety of reasons (illness, lack of resources, availability). However telehealth/teletherapy removes those constraints by allowing anyone with access to a telephone or computer to receive treatment. 

Some of the risks of telehealth include:

• Lack of research in some applications.  Even though telehealth and teletherapy existed prior to the current pandemic, the norm for receiving any healthcare service has been in-person.  We are still learning the ins and outs of this technology and more information and research is still needed in certain aspects of this model. 

• Security and confidentiality.  Although there are a number of HIPAA compliant platforms that exist to provide safety and security, there is no way to guarantee that telehealth or teletherapy can be 100% protected at all times, which means the chance of a security breach exists. 

• The therapy relationship dynamic may be influenced.  Nothing can replace the overall experience we have with another individual when we are physically present together.  The therapist-client relationship is paramount to the success of therapy and even though telehealth/teletherapy involves real time telephone or video sessions, the physical separation of the therapist and client poses challenges to the therapeutic dynamic.

• Technology failure. We’ve all experienced it...a call is dropped unexpectedly, the internet goes out, or your phone/computer decides to malfunction when you are in the middle of something important.  These are all possibilities of what can happen in the middle of a telehealth/teletherapy session which is disruptive and frustrating. Therapists should anticipate these events and provide clients with a protocol for when they take place.

This day and age in technology has made it possible for many businesses to continue to operate under the current circumstances and mental health treatment and therapy is one of them.  Whether you are currently connected to a therapist or are considering finding one, telehealth/teletherapy helps make it easier than ever to receive the support you need during this time. 

If you are considering therapy for the first time, check out “How To Find A Therapist Who is Right For You” https://crowntowncounseling.com/wellness-articles/2017/2/27/how-to-find-a-therapist-who-is-the-right-fit-for-you.

~ Cory Stege, MS, LMFT 

A New Normal: Living and Working With Your Partner During Social Distancing

It is probably safe to say that every American has been impacted in some way by the current social distancing imposed on us as a result of the current COVID-19 pandemic.  However there is a percentage of the population who are being placed in a situation that puts relationships to the test: couples who cohabit and must work from home. Having time and space apart throughout days/weeks was once a privilege that couples do not currently have the luxury of maintaining.  Some couples count on the balance of together time and time away to focus on individual roles/responsibilities to help maintain relationships but now couples are faced with the new challenge of assimilating into a new way of living and working together for the foreseeable future. 

So how can couples navigate this challenge in ways that promote an increase in connection and relationship satisfaction instead of experiencing tension, disconnection, and dissatisfaction? 

Communicate.  Open, honest, and direct communication are vital elements for couples to incorporate into their daily interactions.  Because we are currently experiencing a change in the ways we have been accustomed to doing things prior to social distancing, we have to be clear with ourselves and our partners about what we feel and what we need each day so that it aligns with the present circumstances.

Create a daily ritual.  Couples can create daily rituals that involve checking in with one another.  Each partner completes the phrases “today I feel…” and “today I need…” Although we may think and feel that our partner should know these things without saying them, we are not mind-readers and we can only help ourselves and our partners by sharing our emotional experiences and needs. This process promotes empathy, understanding, and builds emotional intimacy within a relationship.   

Establish boundaries.   Couples should have ongoing conversations about expectations of roles and responsibilities within the household and external factors involving work.  Now that couples are being asked to work from home for time being, it is imperative for each partner to reassess expectations they have within the relationship so that they are realistic and supportive of this new dynamic. So how can couples separate work from couple/family time?  

• Create some form of structure/schedule (i.e., setting specific work hours and days). For some of us prior to social distancing, starting and ending a work day meant arriving to and leaving the office however since the office is also our home, it is key to being accountable with starting up and ending work for the day.  Try setting an alarm or other cue that may make follow through easier.

• If children are at home as well, develop a co-parenting plan that identifies which partner is responsible for the children during specific times.

• Develop a plan for transitioning between work and spending time together as a couple/family.  Scheduling in meals or exercise together around work can be a great way to organize the day and can break up the monotony of social distancing.

• If possible, create and establish a separate physical space that is specific for work activities.  Leaving work-related items in an area that can be apart from the rest of the living space will help promote work/life balance.

Schedule both couple/family time and individual time apart.  Social distancing limits the ways we typically connect with friends and family and leaves us with an exorbitant amount of time with the people we live with.  This has benefits and consequences to our close and intimate relationships and in order for us to come out on top, we must find a balance in nurturing our time with our partners with our much needed alone time. 

• Come up with some creative ways to date at home a couple of times a week (cook together, play games, art, movies, go for walk/run, bike ride, etc).

• Agree on time to spend apart (even within the same house!) a couple of times a week.

• The same rule goes for if children are in the picture.  Set aside time to spend as a family together as well as one-on-one time with a parent and child and then switch

Practice patience, compassion, and flexibility. We are treading through unchartered territory with the current pandemic and the future is unknown.  These times are not typical and therefore requires us to be open and flexible so that we can assimilate to the constantly changing circumstances.  It is imperative to remember that we are all doing the best that we can with what we know (and don’t know). Be kind to yourself and your partner and know that we are all in this together.  

~ Cory Stege, M.S., LMFT

Social Distancing: How to Make The Most of It

For most of us, this is the first time we have been directly impacted by a worldwide event that has forced us to live in circumstances that we are not accustomed to.  Strange, unsettling, and confusing have been adjectives I have heard used over and over again during the past couple of weeks to describe the current state of our communities, both near and far.  Reactions have varied from extreme anxiety and fear-induced behavior to minimizing and resistance of accommodating to the fast changing protocols.  

As more and more institutions shut down, we are faced with the challenge of social distancing, which for some may be an easy task (hello introverts) while for others may pose extreme difficulty in getting through the days and weeks ahead.  We are currently being thrown into a system of change and change is difficult for us all since it requires us to do something different than what we are used to. Although we may not have had a say in the current changing circumstances, we do have a choice in how we want to navigate it.  Here are some suggestions for how we can make the most out of our current situation:

1. Focus on your locus of control.  We are currently facing circumstances in which decisions are being made for us that directly impact us which makes us feel out of control.  However, try shifting your mindset to letting go of those factors outside of your control and instead directing it to the areas of your life you do have control over.  For instance, what reasonable and practical steps can you take to feel prepared to spend some time at home for an extended period of time? 

2. Connect with family and friends.  Although we are currently under orders to remain physically distant from others, that does not mean we must also emotionally disconnect from individuals in our support system. In fact, it is times like these that make nurturing our connections with friends and family even more important to help manage all of the aspects that come with social distancing.  While spending time with others at home, set boundaries around social media, T.V., the internet, and other forms of technology and instead get reacquainted with one another. Consider calling or video-chatting with friends or family from afar that are more difficult to stay in touch with due to the busyness of our typical day-to-day lives.    

3. Remain grounded.  It can be easy to get caught up in the feelings of hysteria and fear of what is going on in the world which influences our ability to make rational, informed decisions.  It is important to recognize and honor any anxiety and fear that are triggered for us however it is just as important to challenge some of these thoughts and feelings by identifying the known facts at the time and taking it one day at a time.  Mindfulness tools are effective in focusing on the present moment without placing judgment on our experiences. Try incorporating simple breathing exercises, reciting affirmations, or focusing on your five senses as tools for grounding.

4. Embrace current circumstances as an opportunity.  Social distancing comes with many challenges and consequences to the human race however focusing on these aspects will just make getting through this time that much more difficult.  Any time we find ourselves in situations that are out of our control, it is an opportunity for self-reflection and growth. Instead of focusing on all of the negative ways your life may be impacted by social distancing, consider ways you can open yourself to this new way of living.  How can you take advantage of this time and circumstance so that you feel good about the ways you chose to manage your time once this passes. This is a great time to follow through on projects or goals you have not had time to get to. Try picking up a new hobby, read a book, unlock your creative side, clean/organize, etc.  Or maybe this is an opportunity to not do anything and just be...enjoy the slower pace of life because we all know how busy we can get once we recover from this. 

5. Enhance self-care.  How we take care of ourselves physically, emotionally, socially, and intellectually determines how we function overall.  Self-care is a crucial element in ensuring that we lead healthy and balanced lives, which is even more critical during times of crises as we currently find ourselves in. Unmanaged stress, anxiety, physical symptoms, and isolation have significant consequences on our ability to function and puts us at risk for illness therefore now is a better time than ever to establish and improve on how we take care of ourselves everyday.  Take deliberate steps to focus on your basic needs: 

• eat as well as you can considering what resources are available to you

• establish healthy sleep hygiene habits

• engage in physical activity whether it is going for a walk or using a virtual work-out program at home 

• Journal, draw, paint, sing...find an outlet!

• connect with at least two people a day 

• set boundaries around the news, social media, and the internet

• Know and respect your limits by setting boundaries

We don’t know what tomorrow may bring but we can do our best to make the best of today.  Just remember, we are all in this together and will get through it hopefully stronger than before.  Stay positive and healthy!   

~ Cory Stege, M.S., LMFT

The Tasks of Mourning

The Kubler-Ross five stages of grief can be a helpful model to understand and make sense out of our loss experiences however alternative theories have developed more recently that focus on specific actions or what William Worden (Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy, 2008) terms “ the four tasks of mourning” otherwise known as the TEAR model of grief. Like the stages of grief, this approach emphasizes that the grieving process has no timeline, has no set order, and is different for each of us that is specific to the nature, relationship, and individual factors associated with each loss.  Worden suggests that mourning is a process to be completed so that balance in our lives can be restored. Here are the tasks:

Task #1: To accept the reality of the loss

The focus of this task is to gain recognition of the reality that the deceased individual is gone from our lives forever.  This usually begins to happen after the initial feelings of shock or denial dissipate. The reality of a loss can be accepted by steps that are taken (funeral/memorials) or talking about a loss by using past tense vocabulary when talking about the deceased individual.  Acceptance also occurs on a deeper level that addresses the significance of the loss and its impact.    

Task #2: Experience the pain of grief

The focus of this task starts with building awareness of the emotional experiences we go through that result from a loss.  In order to do this, we must recognize and acknowledge the different emotions we feel, whatever they are (sadness, loneliness, fear, guilt, worry, anger, etc). We work through these emotions by talking about them so that we can gain insight, perspective, and understanding about what happens for us. Over time, the complex emotions associated with grief can diminish as we work through them and our confidence in managing future difficult situations increases.

Task 3: Adjust to an environment in which the deceased is missing.

This task involves the process of assimilating to new ways of living with the loss.  Depending on the nature of the relationship with the deceased individual, this task can often occur over an extended period of time and involve changes to our everyday life (roles, responsibilities, routines), thoughts, beliefs, and expectations about our self, and spiritual belief systems and views about the world.  It is during this task that an individual goes through the process of redefining who they are without the presence of the deceased individual.  

Task 4: Reinvest in the new reality

For some it can be common to feel guilty about feeling happy again or we may fear that we may forget about the person who is no longer with us if we go on living our lives.  The focus of this task is to promote a healthy way to stay emotionally connected to the deceased by welcoming memories and thoughts about them while at the same time allowing new relationships, activities, and things that bring pleasure and joy to take place.  Like the previous tasks, this process may be challenging and take an extended period of time \

It is important to remember that like all of the other theories of grief, the tasks of mourning is just that, a theory.  Some may find this model helpful in understanding and navigating their grief while others do not. Grief is idiosyncratic in that it is different for everyone therefore it is important to find what feels right for you in terms of approaches, support, and coping strategies. 

Cory Stege, M.S., LMFT

Loneliness: Our Need To Connect

Feelings of loneliness are a natural part of our emotional experiences in which we internally feel disconnected or rejected from other people.  However when feelings of loneliness and isolation become chronic or severe, it puts us at risk for physical and emotional/mental health conditions such as cardiovascular disease, respiratory illness, cancer, gastrointestinal issues, cognitive decline, dementia, depression, and anxiety.  In fact, research has shown that loneliness is a predictor of premature death because it targets the same parts of our brain as physical pain does.  

In order to effectively manage feelings of loneliness, we must first understand the root, or cause of them because not all feelings of disconnection or isolation are the same.  According to happiness expert Gretchen Rubin, there are 7 types of loneliness states that we can experience:

New situation: When we find ourselves in new circumstances, whether it is at a new job, place of residence, school, or in another unfamiliar setting.

I’m Different: When other individuals with whom our core beliefs, traits, or preferences differ surround us.

No Romance: Regardless of the amount or quality of the relationships someone may have with friends or family, the void of having an attachment to an intimate or romantic partner can create feelings of isolation.

No pet: Some of us seek out connections or attachments to animals because of the type of experience it provides that human connections oftentimes do not. 

Insufficient time: Relationships with friends, family, or intimate partners can leave us feeling lonely or disconnected when we find that the time and attention we are receiving from them is not enough.

Shallow friendships:  Lack of meaningful or authentic interactions and experiences and the inability to trust individuals we spend time with.  

Quiet presence: The need or desire to have someone else around just to hang out or spend quiet time with. 

And of course, one of the most common triggers to states of loneliness and isolation is the loss after the death of a loved one or the end of a relationship.

Once we can identify the type of loneliness we experience, we are then able to direct our efforts into the appropriate channels for alleviating it.  Here are some suggestions to creating connections with others:

•       Initiate and engage in conversations with strangers
•       Make efforts to get to know your neighbors, co-workers, or other people you come across          on a regular basis
•       Volunteer in a setting that you have a passion for
•       Schedule social events with friends on a regular basis
•       Try a new hobby or activity that may involve the presence of other people
•       Get involved with creative arts
•       Adopt a pet or volunteer at an animal shelter
•       Carve out uninterrupted quality time for family and intimate partners on a regular basis
•       Set healthy boundaries around social media use

~ Cory Stege, M.S., LMFT

Increase Your Relationship Satisfaction By Redirecting Your Mindset

Like most aspects of life, relationships go through highs and lows, which often correlate to how contented we feel about them at the time.  Because no one is perfect, it is normal to experience gripes and complaints about people we are in relationships with.  It can be easy to fall into a problem-focused mentality when we feel that our needs are not being met in the ways that we seek them to be.  This pattern of negative thinking can create distance, tension, and toxicity, which ultimately promote low levels of relationship satisfaction.  

Our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are all interconnected which means when we are able to alter one of these parts of ourselves, the other parts will be influenced.  Therefore if we find ourselves ruminating and focusing on all of the things we do not like about our partner, we will experience negative feelings and behave in ways that exhibit our disdain.  On the other hand, by redirecting our perspectives and thoughts to focus on the positive aspects of people we are in relationships with, the degree of satisfaction and type of interactions we experience will improve, even in difficult and challenging circumstances. 

One challenge I give clients who are experiencing low levels of relationship satisfaction is to offset each complaint they have about his or his partner by identifying a strength or positive aspect of the relationship.  For example, one client complained about her husband’s tendency to work all of the time, causing her to feel lonely however this client was then able to challenge this grievance by acknowledging her husband’s loyalty and commitment to provide for her and their children.  

Here are some of the prompts I often use with clients to help redirect their problem-focused mindset about his or her relationship:

• What is it about my partner that initially drew me to him or her?
• If I was no longer with my partner, what would my life be lacking?
• What are some exceptions to my complaints of my partner? In other words, identify specific times or instances of when I am feeling happy with my partner.
• How does my partner express care or concern for me?
• What traits or characteristics does my partner have that I find admirable or that I feel balances me out?
• What are the strengths of my relationship?
• How does my partner show me that we are a team?
• What sacrifices has my partner made for me?
• What values or goals do I share with my partner?
• In what ways has my partner and I grown together?

The next time you are feeling like your relationship is in a rut or you feel like nothing is going right, challenge yourself to think about and answer the above questions.  Oftentimes shifting our perspective allows us to reestablish positive affect and feelings for our partners.

~ Cory Stege, M.S., LMFT

Sitting With Our Emotions

Certain emotions can be unpleasant and uncomfortable to experience, especially if the emotions are new or different than what we may typically experience.  Some of us may also experience certain emotions at high levels of intensity, which can feel overwhelming and seem challenging to deal with.  Therefore it is a common human response to want to avoid, minimize, or suppress emotions that we consider to be undesirable such as fear, hurt, anger, sadness, depression, or anxiety.  Pushing these emotional experiences down or pretending like they are not happening may be a temporary fix to promote our ability to function in the short term however these reactions just prolong the inevitable: the need to deal with the root of our emotions.  In fact, efforts to avoid or minimize feelings can have the opposite effect by actually intensifying symptoms or emotions.

In order to resolve negative and uncomfortable emotional experiences in a healthy manner, we need to be able to acknowledge in a non-judgmental manner any emotion that we feel in the moment.  This requires us to practice awareness of what happens for us emotionally, physically, and mentally at any point in time.  I commonly recommend for clients to create a ritual of checking in with him/herself throughout the day in which the following questions are answered:

·      What mood or feelings am I currently experiencing?

·      What physical sensations do I currently notice in my body?

·      What type of thoughts am I currently experiencing?

Once we are able to establish awareness of what happens for us from moment to moment, we can then practice the skill of acknowledging our experiences without placing judgment on them or trying to change them in any way.  For example, “I am feeling sad and don’t want to do anything.  I feel an emptiness in my heart and have no appetite.”  Instead of becoming critical of ourselves by thinking we should not be feeling sad and need to change it, which just adds to our sadness, we can learn to simply recognize our experience for what it is and allow ourselves to sit with it for as long as it occurs.  Even though it may not seem like it in the moment, sitting with our emotions can lead to healthy resolution, as it requires us to embrace and deal with our experiences.  This skill takes practice and patience but can be extremely rewarding and healing.

~ Cory Stege, M.S., LMFT

Bouncing Back From A Break-UP

Relationships can be satisfying and rewarding, especially when strong emotional and physical connections develop.  Unfortunately, these aspects of attachment can make the end of a relationship painful and challenging. Break-ups come with potential changes in our day-to-day activities and routines, emotional health, physical health, and social life.  The act of moving on with life may seem daunting and impossible for some of us after a break-up however there are some strategies we can incorporate into our lives that can promote growth and resilience during these difficult times.

• Allow time and space to grieve.  The end of a relationship is a loss and should be experienced as such.  Healthy grieving involves feeling and experiencing each emotion that comes up as a result of the break-up and engaging in healthy coping skills such as journaling.
• Lean on your support system.  In order to prevent isolation, reach out to friends and family on a regular basis who can listen and support you in ways that you need. 
• Stick with your responsibilities. Just because a relationship ends, does not mean that our responsibilities also end. Continuing to follow through with regular tasks and routines can offer structure and promote positive feelings of accomplishment.
• Establish a new normal. Think of this time as an opportunity to create a new life for yourself.  This is a time to be selfish in order to nurture your needs. Make plans that will you believe you can benefit from and consider participating in new hobbies or activities you may find enjoyable.     
• Engage in regular self-care.  It can be challenging to remember to eat healthy, get enough sleep, and exercise when we are grieving or going through a transition however these activities of daily living are more crucial to attend to than any other time. 
• Seek professional help. Receiving guidance and support from trained professionals in the mental health, medical, and legal settings can provide tools that we may not otherwise utilize on our own.  Professional help can provide objective support so that we are able to function and make sound decisions. 

Every relationship is different and each of us will experience a different reaction when going through a break-up.  However, regardless of the circumstances and our individual traits, we can all benefit when we take care of ourselves during loss and change.

~ Cory Stege, M.S., LMFT

Primary Versus Secondary Emotions

Emotions are powerful components that make up our moment-to-moment experiences and can be confusing and even scary if we do not understand them.  Without awareness of and insight into our emotional experiences, it can be challenging to manage and cope with uncomfortable and even painful feelings.  Therefore it is important to be able to identify and understand what emotions we have and the meaning behind them so that we can develop the appropriate coping skills to effectively manage them. 

We can think about our emotions in two categories: primary and secondary.  Primary emotions are the basic universal feelings that we experience in response to our instincts. Primary emotions are quick, immediate responses to a situation and do not require cognitive processing or learning.          

Secondary emotions are feelings that we experience as a result of how we process the meaning of people, places, and objects and involve memory and learning.  Secondary emotions are responses to the primary emotions we experience and can be felt for short or long durations. 

Primary                                 Secondary

Anger                                    fury, outrage, irritability, hostility, resentment      

Fear                                       anxiety, apprehension, nervousness, dread, panic

Sadness                                 grief, sorrow, gloom, melancholy, despair, loneliness, depression

Joy                                         enjoyment, happiness, relief, bliss, delight, pride, ecstasy

Shame                                    guilt, embarrassment, remorse, regret

Desire                                    acceptance, friendliness, trust, kindness, affection, love, devotion

Disgust                                  contempt, disdain, scorn, aversion, distaste, revulsion

Surprise                                shock, astonishment, amazement, astound, wonder

The relationship between primary and secondary emotions can be complex because secondary emotions often take over and mask our primary emotions.  Therefore the goal of managing our emotional experiences effectively requires the ability to identify the underlying, or primary emotions, of our more overt, or secondary emotional responses.  Once we can identify our instinctual or basic emotions, it can be easier to identify the needs we can aim to meet in those moments and situations so that it feels more manageable.

~ Cory Stege, M.S., LMFT  

Mindfulness As A Tool For Grief

When we experience some form of loss it usually prompts change to take place in our lives, which can be very difficult to cope with. Loss bears a mix of emotions, thoughts, and behaviors that are unique to each of us.  Unfortunately our society tends to place expectations on how we should react when we experience grief, which just adds to the stress of an already stressful situation.  Comments of ‘you should be over this by now’ or ‘you need to be strong’ minimizes the degree of the impact loss may have.  Comments like these can influence grieving individuals to think and feel like they are not coping very well despite the fact that what they are experiencing is normal.  This in turn can cause grieving individuals to alter their expectations of how they should be thinking, feeling, and behaving which can increase symptoms of depression and anxiety. 

One of the most powerful and effective tools we can turn to during times of loss is mindfulness.  Mindfulness prevents us from ruminating in the past or worrying about the future and instead allows us to focus on the present moment.  Mindfulness techniques can help grieving individuals to challenge and minimize the pressure of reacting or being a certain way because of mindfulness’ crucial aspect of being non-judgmental with whatever thoughts and feelings that exist at any moment.   In other words, mindfulness allows us to pay attention to, acknowledge, and sit with our experiences so that it just is what it is, instead of being what we think it should or should not be.

Here are a few mindfulness strategies that can help us to acknowledge our thoughts and feelings in the present moment in a nonjudgmental manner:

• Body scan: Take a moment to notice what feelings and sensations you are currently experiencing starting in your toes, calves, knees, thighs, hips, abdomen, chest, shoulders, neck, cheeks, eyes, and scalp.  Then notice what types of thoughts you are having as you try to focus on your body and allow yourself to just sit there for a few seconds and focus on your breathing. If any judgmental thoughts or worries come into your mind, allow yourself to let them go and bring your attention back to your body. 
• Breathing exercises: Focus solely on your breathing by taking 4-5 deep breaths
• Use your five senses:  Sight: Identify 1-3 objects you can see. Sound: Focus on the sounds/noises you hear. Touch: Feel something within reach and identify the texture. Taste: Do you notice any specific tastes in your mouth. Smell: Pay attention to any odors you may pick up on.

~ Cory Stege, M.S., LMFT

The Importance Of Boundaries In Psychotherapy

Psychotherapy is a process that involves a unique relationship between the therapist and client and it stands apart from those relationships we engage in with family, friends, and intimate partners.  Emotional intimacy is unavoidable due to the nature of a therapeutic relationship in which a client shares personal experiences with a therapist.  Because of this, there is potential risk of harm to a client if professional boundaries are not established and maintained.  So what exactly does “professional boundaries” in therapy mean?

Professional boundaries are guidelines that allow for appropriate separation between the physical, emotional, social, and psychological aspects of a client and a therapist.  Professional boundaries should be clear but have the ability to be flexible given that each therapy relationship is different.  The one aspect of a therapeutic relationship that remains the same in all cases is that the therapist has the responsibility to ensure and maintain the wellbeing of the client.  This is one of the main reasons why professional boundaries must exist and without them, blurred lines can lead to exploitation and harm done to the client.

Clients like to know what they can expect from a therapist regarding roles and responsibilities with therapy, which can promote feelings of safety and security.  This means that therapists need to be upfront with clients about policies that govern the therapeutic relationship.  Here are a few examples of professional boundaries that are relevant in psychotherapy:

·      Dual relationships

·      Therapist self-disclosure

·      Touch

·      Fees/bartering

·      Gift giving

·      Contact outside of office

·      Confidentiality and releasing information

·      Attire in session

·      Use of language

Depending on the setting, location, and client or therapist factors, certain situations or boundary crossings are unavoidable and do not necessarily lead to negative effects on the client.  Each therapist’s approach and philosophy will dictate the type of boundaries they establish with clients.  Some of this information is generally made available in a therapist’s informed consent form that is provided to the client at the outset of therapy however it is always recommended to have a discussion about any unknown or gray areas that may apply.

~ Cory Stege, M.S., LMFT

The Dating Dilemma Following The Death Of An Intimate Partner

The loss of an intimate partner or spouse comes not only with the process of bereavement but it also presents the question of whether a future romantic relationship is desirable.  Grief is a very idiosyncratic process, which means it affects each individual differently and has no instruction booklet for how to navigate it.  The same goes for the decision to form new intimate partner relationships after a romantic loved one has passed on. For some, seeking out a new relationship can offer solace and comfort in the face of pain. For others, the loss of a significant love may cause avoidance of new relationships in order to prevent the pain and discomfort of subsequent losses. 

For individuals who engage in a new romantic relationship, it can be common to experience a sense of guilt that stems from the idea that they are being unfaithful to the deceased partner.  There may also be a fear that the deceased partner may be forgotten once a new relationship is established.  Understanding the reason for the desire to date again can shed some light on feelings that become triggered and provide insight in whether being in a relationship is truly desirable.  Individuals who successfully develop new romantic relationships and are not just filling a void following loss have the ability to both honor and let go of the deceased partner. 

One significant factor that contributes to finding this healthy balance is the ability to minimize the amount of comparison between the deceased partner and the new romantic partner. Love and longing for the deceased partner can grow over time which can lead individuals to feel like they are unable to experience love like they did when their partner was alive. However it can be helpful to acknowledge that being in a new relationship means new circumstances exist and thus the feelings and experiences associated with it will be different than those felt with a deceased partner. 

There is also the question of how soon is it okay to start dating again? Depending on whom you ask, the answer will be different and like grief, there is not a right or wrong answer.  Some individuals fall into a new relationship immediately whereas others wait years to do so. Unfortunately our society tends to place a spotlight on individuals who are grieving to see how they are coping and whether we feel it is appropriate or not.  However what truly matters is what feels right and brings comfort to the bereaved.

~ Cory Stege, M.S., LMFT

Tips For Building Resilience

Have you ever wondered how some people are able to manage traumatic situations and adversity better than other people? What separates those individuals from people who struggle with bouncing back from unwanted change?  The answer is: resilience.  Resilient individuals are able to learn, develop, and implement specific strategies and coping skills that allow them to respond well to life’s challenges and stressors.  Resilience is not genetic or a part of our personalities but rather is a skill that can be learned by anyone.  Resilience looks different from person to person however there are some common aspects that can be helpful to understand.

Resilient individuals tend to maintain loving and supportive relationships that help to combat feelings of isolation during daunting times.  In addition to the presence of positive relationships, resilience is associated with healthy cognitive and emotional tools that any individual can build.  

Some of these tools include:

• the ability to identify realistic expectations and follow through with plans
• assertive and direct communication
• healthy problem solving and conflict resolution skills
• a positive view of self that includes self-compassion
• healthy emotion regulation and impulse control techniques
• flexibility and acceptance of change

So what can we do to develop these tools? Here are some intentional actions we can take to build resilience:

1. Engage in regular self-care. This means nurturing our physical, emotional, and social needs on a daily basis.
2. Consider the bigger picture of situations in order to promote perspective.
3. Initiate regular contact with others. This includes staying in touch with support systems as well as forming new connections.
4. Focus on your locus of control.  Let go of things you cannot change and direct your focus to those factors that you can take action on.
5. Accomplish one thing everyday that promotes progress, even if it seems small.
6. Practice positive and hopeful thinking.  Reciting affirmations can promote positive feelings and experiences.  
7. Allow yourself to feel your emotions, no matter how painful or strong they seem.
8. Consider how challenges can be opportunities for growth.
9. Give to others. This can give us a break from focusing on ourselves and promote gratitude in our lives.
10. Laugh. Seeking out humor can offer relief from physical and emotional pain.
11. Practice assertiveness with others to communicate your needs.
12. Practice mindfulness by being aware of thoughts, feelings, and sensations in the present moment without placing any judgment on them.

Ideally we will actively engage in these behaviors prior to being faced with a crisis so that the emotional and cognitive tools associated with resilience are already established.  However, because adversity strikes at any moment, we may not have these skills in place but that does not mean we cannot build them during tough and trying times.  Oftentimes therapy or support groups can offer individuals assistance with these skills when going through a difficult time.

~ Cory Stege, M.S., LMFT

Journaling: A Tool For Grief

When life throws us curveballs that pose significant impact on our lives as grief does, it can often leave us feeling helpless and overwhelmed.  What do we do with the thoughts and feelings that accompany trauma and loss? We may not always feel comfortable sharing our experiences with other people for various reasons however we need to be able to find an outlet that allows us to manage our grief in a healthy manner.  Loss and trauma imprints some form of emotional, physical, and psychological distress that will seep into all aspects of our lives if we do not honor and express it. 

Journaling is a very simple, yet powerful tool that can allow us to identify and process our grief experiences in a confidential and safe way.  Journaling can also serve as an instrument to tell our story, which we can choose to look back and reflect on in order to uncover insight to our struggles and growth from them. Like grief, everyone’s experience will be different which means that there are no rules or right or wrong way to journal.  However you choose to write or express yourself is up to you.

Journaling can be done in either formal or informal manners depending on our needs and preferences.   Some of us may prefer to just write down words or phrases that come to mind whereas others may prefer to follow some type of structure or prompt.  Some people establish a ritual in which they journal at the same time each day or week whereas other people carry their journal with them and use it whenever it seems relevant to them.  Since journaling is for you and about you and your experiences, establish your desires and expectations of it based on that.

There may be times when we experience a block or feel stuck in how we can express our thoughts and feelings so here are some prompts related to grief that may help get the juices flowing or may be beneficial to those of us who prefer structure to our writing:

Today I feel…

I remember when…

What I have learned is…

My life has changed by…

The first time I…

My support system includes…

What brings me joy is…

The most difficult time of day is…

My fondest memory is…

I am grateful for…

Like most tools and coping skills, the more we practice and use a journal to express and process our experience, the more likely we are to reap the benefits of it. 

~ Cory Stege, M.S., LMFT

The Three Pillars Of Self-Compassion

It can be common practice for us to be empathetic and understanding of other people when they are going through a difficult time or are struggling however when it comes to applying this practice to ourselves, unfortunately it does not come as naturally.  Many of us allow our critical voice associated with our self-expectations to take over when we are experiencing stress, failure, or significant challenges which ultimately just adds to our struggles.  This can be particularly common with individuals who are in some form of a caretaker role as well as for those of us that expect self-perfection and nothing less.  This type of self-judgment can lead to feelings of isolation, depression, anxiety, and physical illness. 

The ability to practice self-compassion takes conscious effort and awareness on an ongoing basis in order to shift our core beliefs about who we are and the world we live in.  Self-compassion promotes elevated levels of overall wellbeing that include happiness, gratitude, satisfaction, optimism, resilience, effective coping and self-care, and rewarding relationships.

To achieve self-compassion, we must develop three life skills:

Self-kindness

The ability to be supportive, understanding, and loving to oneself especially during trying and difficult times.  In other words, being kind to oneself involves the ability to cut oneself some slack.

Mindfulness

The ability to be aware of thoughts, feelings, and sensations in the present moment without placing any judgment on our experiences or trying to change them.

Connectedness

The ability to relate to other people and recognize that everyone goes through challenges, stress, and difficult times, which reinforces that we are not alone.

Here are a few tips that can help promote self-compassion:

• Avoid comparing yourself to other people.
• Reframe your mistakes as opportunities for growth.
• Practice healthy eating and exercise habits.
• Maintain regular contact with supportive relationships.
• Be honest with yourself.
• Prioritize your needs and do not ignore them.

~ Cory Stege, M.S., LMFT

Moving: Tips To Effectively Managing The Process

Being amidst the chaos of moving has reminded me about the value of stability and comfort as I try to navigate the stress that comes with relocating.  Up there with death and divorce, moving is considered to be one of life’s most stressful experiences because it involves change.  Change requires us to go outside of our day-to-day routines and comfort zones and adjust to new circumstances, which is not always easy.  Whether we are moving across town or across the country, there are some strategies we can incorporate into the moving process that may help make the transition somewhat smooth and stress-free.  Here are some of them:

Create a task list

Moving can be overwhelming when we think about everything that needs to get done beforehand as well as afterwards.  Writing down these tasks can help organize the process so that it feels more manageable.  Once we have a list of to-do tasks, we can put timelines on them to promote realistic planning and follow through.

De-clutter

Moving presents us with a great opportunity to get rid of clutter and other items that have lost purpose for us.  Therefore before the packing process begins, take some time to clean out and organize what to keep versus what to toss.

Utilize resources

Most of us know what it can be like to move, especially if we feel like we are doing it alone.   Do not hesitate to ask friends or family for help and be open to any way they may be able or willing to be of assistance.  Hiring a moving company or other services may help take some of the load off.

Take care of yourself

During times of transition, it is even more important for us to pay attention to ourselves.  This means ensuring that we are getting enough sleep and eating a balanced diet.  It also means that we may need to take breaks during the process in order to refuel and energize. Go for a walk or a run or meet up with friends for a meal.

Be aware of your emotional needs

For some, moving is a choice however for others, it can be a decision that has been made for us.  Moving can bring a multitude of emotional reactions from joy and excitement to sadness and fear.  Whatever the experience is for you, allow yourself to be mindful and respectful of your feelings, which is a crucial coping skill for navigating change.

Practice patience and flexibility

More often than not, unexpected events occur during a process that we place so much emphasis on planning and organizing.  Things will happen that are outside of our control and will affect us in some way. In order to prevent us from adding more stress to our already full plate during this time, consider being flexible by going with the flow.  If possible, we can also direct our focus to tasks that we do have control over to help us cope.

Set a realistic time frame

When planning a move, try to be realistic about the amount of time it will take to pack up, move, and then unpack.  Timeframes for moves vary depending on the type as well as other factors that may be unique to each situation.  Allow enough time on both ends of the move to complete the to-do list.

Allow other duties to wait

We find moving to be stressful in part because of the pressure we place on ourselves to continue fulfilling our typical responsibilities and jobs at the same time.  Take time to consider whether it would be beneficial to take some time off from work.  Choose which duties you can let go of temporarily to allow yourself time and energy to focus on the move.

Get to know your new neighbors

Being a new place can be exciting or scary depending on the reason and circumstances of the move.  Establishing new relationships in an unfamiliar neighborhood can make a transition more manageable and rewarding.

Develop new routines

Moving to a new location may present obstacles to maintaining our schedules and routines because of changes in commutes, settings, and availability of services.  This may mean that we need to be creative about changes we can make to our days in order to ensure that we can still participate in the activities we enjoy.

~ Cory Stege, M.S., LMFT

What Psychotherapy Is And Is Not

Despite the growing number of individuals who participate in some form of psychotherapy today, a stigma still lingers regarding the process.  Like most industries, therapy has evolved over the years from the early days of Freud's psychoanalyzing and the common practice of lobotomies to the current growing field of evidence-based treatment models.  Even though more of us are accessing therapy-related services, some people remain hesitant to participate in it as a result of the presence of myths and misconceptions.  It is important for clarification about what therapy is today as well as reasons people seek it out.  

First let’s look at what psychotherapy IS NOT:

•    Only people with “serious” issues or who are considered to be “crazy” or “weak” go to                   therapy.
•    All therapists act the same and use the same techniques.
•    If you can just talk to friends, family members, or co-workers then therapy is not necessary.
•    Therapy will only be helpful if the therapist has gone through the same life experiences.
•    Therapy is expensive.
•    Therapy is long-term.

What psychotherapy IS:

•    A safe, supportive, and confidential process in which self-exploration and self-care can take           place.
•    Any technique or intervention that is used to improve an individual’s physical, mental,                     emotional, and interpersonal functioning.
•    Can provide support as a simple sounding board or treatment of serious mental illness. 
•    Anyone can benefit from therapy, regardless of age, race, socioeconomic status, or level of             functioning.
•    Therapy services are offered at low fee, insurance, and private pay rates. 
•    Therapy can be effective in both short and long-term durations.

Regardless of the specific reasons individuals seek therapy, the benefits of it are staggering. There is simply nothing better we can do than to set aside uninterrupted time to focus solely on ourselves.  

~ Cory Stege, M.S., LMFT