The Kubler-Ross five stages of grief can be a helpful model to understand and make sense out of our loss experiences however alternative theories have developed more recently that focus on specific actions or what William Worden (Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy, 2008) terms “ the four tasks of mourning” otherwise known as the TEAR model of grief. Like the stages of grief, this approach emphasizes that the grieving process has no timeline, has no set order, and is different for each of us that is specific to the nature, relationship, and individual factors associated with each loss. Worden suggests that mourning is a process to be completed so that balance in our lives can be restored. Here are the tasks:
Task #1: To accept the reality of the loss
The focus of this task is to gain recognition of the reality that the deceased individual is gone from our lives forever. This usually begins to happen after the initial feelings of shock or denial dissipate. The reality of a loss can be accepted by steps that are taken (funeral/memorials) or talking about a loss by using past tense vocabulary when talking about the deceased individual. Acceptance also occurs on a deeper level that addresses the significance of the loss and its impact.
Task #2: Experience the pain of grief
The focus of this task starts with building awareness of the emotional experiences we go through that result from a loss. In order to do this, we must recognize and acknowledge the different emotions we feel, whatever they are (sadness, loneliness, fear, guilt, worry, anger, etc). We work through these emotions by talking about them so that we can gain insight, perspective, and understanding about what happens for us. Over time, the complex emotions associated with grief can diminish as we work through them and our confidence in managing future difficult situations increases.
Task 3: Adjust to an environment in which the deceased is missing.
This task involves the process of assimilating to new ways of living with the loss. Depending on the nature of the relationship with the deceased individual, this task can often occur over an extended period of time and involve changes to our everyday life (roles, responsibilities, routines), thoughts, beliefs, and expectations about our self, and spiritual belief systems and views about the world. It is during this task that an individual goes through the process of redefining who they are without the presence of the deceased individual.
Task 4: Reinvest in the new reality
For some it can be common to feel guilty about feeling happy again or we may fear that we may forget about the person who is no longer with us if we go on living our lives. The focus of this task is to promote a healthy way to stay emotionally connected to the deceased by welcoming memories and thoughts about them while at the same time allowing new relationships, activities, and things that bring pleasure and joy to take place. Like the previous tasks, this process may be challenging and take an extended period of time \
It is important to remember that like all of the other theories of grief, the tasks of mourning is just that, a theory. Some may find this model helpful in understanding and navigating their grief while others do not. Grief is idiosyncratic in that it is different for everyone therefore it is important to find what feels right for you in terms of approaches, support, and coping strategies.