Intimate relationships can be complicated and the presence of disagreements and conflict are inevitable. The mere existence of disagreements, tension, and conflict in relationships by no means indicates that a relationship is unhealthy or headed for failure however the ways in which couples respond to negative emotional experiences determines the level of health and longevity of a relationship.
When a couple is experiencing differences in opinions, feelings of hurt or disappointment, or negativity associated with a certain interaction or conversation, a rupture or tear in the feelings of connection can occur. Couples who are able to diffuse any tension and prevent conflict from escalating in these instances are likely to engage in certain actions that can strengthen a relationship. These behaviors are known as repair attempts (Gottman & Silver, 2015) and can look like the following:
Initiating a time out or break when needed
Acknowledgment and admission of being wrong
Engaging in self-soothing behaviors to calm down
Use of humor
Ability to be open and accepting of giving and receiving apologies
Practicing active and reflective listening to promote understanding
Resetting through soft start-ups (use of “I” statements instead of “you” statements)
Expressing gratitude and appreciation
Maintaining hope and confidence that issues can be resolved
Showing affection
Conflict, tension, or negativity within a relationship does not always have to be a bad thing. Through awareness, practice, openness, and hope, couples can turn these inevitable challenges into opportunities for growth and connection through repair attempts.
Gottman, J.M. & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books, New York.