According to studies from renowned couple’s researcher Dr. John Gottman (Gottman & DeClaire, 2001), the first three minutes of an interaction can predict the outcome of a 15-minute conversation. This highlights the significance and influence of the type of approach we use when initiating an interaction. When conversations do not go so well, there is a good chance that some form of negativity, blaming, or criticism is present at the outset, which can be described as a harsh start-up and usually results in defensiveness and negative emotional reactions. In order to avoid unpleasant conversations triggered by harsh start-ups and instead foster positive and rewarding conversations with intimate partners, family members, friends, or co-workers, we must engage in the opposite approach right off the bat: soft start-ups.
So what does a soft start-up look like?
Start the conversation by describing what you want or need in positive terms.
Example: “I’ve been thinking about how much fun we have when we exercise together. Can we go running together tomorrow?”
Verbalize feelings of appreciation and gratitude in the context of what you want or need.
Example: “It means a lot to me when you text me throughout the day to see how I am doing. I’d like to continue checking in with each other when we are apart.”
Use “I” statements to express feelings and/or needs.
Example: “I am disappointed that I did not get to spend any quality time with you as I had hoped to today. I would love to set aside some time this weekend to catch up with you.”Address concerns/complaints as they come up one at a time instead of letting them fester and then dumping.
Example: “I feel frustrated that you canceled our plans last minute this morning. When can we reschedule?”
Like most skills, effective implementation of soft-start ups require awareness and practice but can be extremely rewarding. Because we are all human, there will certainly be times when we find ourselves engaging in harsh start-ups or negative interactions and even though we cannot undo something that we have said, we can make attempts to repair these interactions by revisiting them in a softer way.
Gottman, J. M. & DeClaire, J. (2001). The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships. Harmony Books.