How To Talk To Yourself To Get What You Want Out Of Life

Do you ever find yourself engaging in a running dialogue in your head?  Maybe you are thinking about what you need to get done or are focusing on something you experienced from the past and are attaching some form of opinion about these thoughts.  Have you ever noticed whether this dialogue tends to take a positive or negative form?  It can be beneficial to stop and reflect on the type of self-talk dialogue that takes place in your head since it has the power to influence your experiences.  Our conscious thoughts direct us to feel certain emotions, which in turn promotes specific behavior and habits and is the process that makes up our experiences. Our conscious thoughts also influence our subconscious mind by giving it directives to follow through on so that these thoughts become a reality.   Our subconscious is consistently working all day everyday, even when we are not aware of it, which is reason enough to use our conscious thoughts to our advantage.

Along these lines, the way we think about ourselves will determine our ability to achieve certain goals and create our experiences.  For example, if an individual engages in negative self-talk by thinking “I will never get a promotion at work”, the individual will likely experience feelings and make decisions that make this thought become a reality since the conscious mind is reinforcing this negative thought to the subconscious mind.  Likewise, if an individual tells him or herself “I deserve a promotion because of the quality of my work”, this individual will likely feel positive about who he or she is and will behave in ways that are consistent with this type of self-talk and will therefore increase the potential of receiving a promotion.  Therefore, try asking yourself whether your beliefs are helping or hurting you in getting what you want. 

The lesson here is that in order to change your life and create what you want out of it, you need to start by changing your thoughts and how you talk to yourself.   Take some time to create some powerful mantras or positive affirmations that you can memorize or post in places you frequently visit (like your bathroom mirror, refrigerator, or the rearview mirror in your car) to begin to direct your thoughts.  Some examples are: “I am skillful and qualified”, “happiness is a choice I can choose”, “my health is important”, etc. Repetition of these self-talk statements is key to ensuring that change in your thought process, feelings, and experiences takes place.  So go ahead and start talking to yourself in a positive, compassionate, and goal-oriented manner and see how your life can transform.

~Cory Stege, M.S., LMFT

Rules To Fair Fighting

It is inevitable that disagreements and conflict exists in our relationships due to the simple fact that as individuals, we each carry our own thoughts, feelings, beliefs, preferences, and styles of communication. Because of our individuality, there is potential for differences to arise in our significant relationships, which can offer opportunities for growth and connection or result in arguments, tension, and disconnection depending on how we manage these differences.   The good news is that there are some guidelines we can follow to promote the former when concerns within our relationships are brought to our attention. 

·      Think before you speak.  Before you broach a subject or verbalize a concern or complaint to your partner, take some time to really think about and evaluate the reason you are feeling upset.  Try to determine if the reason is related to any patterns that are worth addressing or if the reason is simply related to you having a bad day.

·      Tackle one issue at a time.  It can be easy to bring up multiple concerns at once when we have the floor to express ourselves however this just compounds the problems and makes reaching a resolution for each issue more challenging.   Instead, hold yourself accountable to dealing with one issue at a time and make note of the other concerns that can be addressed when the time is right.

·      Attack the issue at hand, not the person. Avoid engaging in criticism, contempt, and other degrading language.  These damaging forms of communication prevent the issue from being addressed and instead escalate conflict as a result of making a partner feel bad by attacking his or her character. 

·      Take responsibility for your feelings by using “I” statements.  We tend to automatically go on the defensive when someone we are talking with starts off by using “you”.  “You” statements tend to be blaming and send the message that “you are the problem, not me.”  In order to help your partner be open to hearing what you have to say, identify and own the feeling you are having in relation to a situation that upset you.  For example, “I felt hurt when you lied to me” versus “you made me angry because you lied.” 

·      Actively listen and take turns talking.  Talking about emotionally charged subjects can make it difficult to refrain from engaging in interrupting however that only makes matters worse.  Instead, listen to what your partner is saying and reflect back to them what you heard them say before you respond.  This helps prevent misunderstandings and sends the message that you heard and understand what was said.  For couples who struggle with taking turns, using a timer can help add structure to the conversation and allow time for each partner to speak.

·      Maintain an appropriate volume and tone of voice and take a time out when needed.  Yelling at or ignoring your partner when you are feeling upset may feel rewarding temporarily however these problematic forms of communication just add to the conflict.  If you start to notice that the conversation is becoming heated, take a time out and be sure to identify how long the time out will be as well as be mindful about how the time out will be used. Avoid engaging in behaviors or activities that will be counterproductive to de-escalating. Then reconvene at the time you agreed to so that the issue can continue to be addressed in a calm manner.

·      Consider whether there are solutions to moving forward.  Sometimes disagreements or conflict cannot be solved but rather just acknowledged and understood by each partner.  However, try to focus on any possible positive solutions that can promote resolution for both partners and come to a compromise so that it works for the couple.

When couples are able to take time and the necessary steps to effectively navigate differences and conflict, it can strengthen the relationship.   Conflict can actually be healthy if partners are able to view the process as an opportunity to learn and grow from one another.   The next time you or your partner verbalizes a concern about your relationship, embrace this opportunity to grow by applying these guidelines to the issue at hand.

~ Cory Stege, M.S., LMFT

Four Predictors of Divorce and How To Combat Them

There are many common factors associated with divorce, including problems related to finances, sex, and infidelity however the way couple’s communicate and cope with these problems are what can destroy a marriage and lead to divorce.  Through his experience and research with couples, renowned author and marriage therapist Dr. John Gottman has identified four dysfunctional and problematic behaviors that lead to divorce when couple’s engage in and don’t get a handle on them.  In his book “Why Marriages Succeed or Fail and How to Make Yours Last” (1997), Dr. Gottman termed these toxic behaviors “The Four Horsemen of The Apocalypse” because of the harmful effect they have on relationships.  Learn about what these relationship-killers look like:

Criticism
Instead of focusing on a specific behavior that one partner finds problematic in his/her partner, criticism involves attacking a partner’s character and the core of who the person is. As you can imagine, being criticized can result in feelings of despair, hurt, and rejection.  When criticism occurs on a regular basis, it has the tendency to intensify in both frequency and intensity and can leave a partner feeling emotionally assaulted. 

Contempt
Partners who are contemptuous towards one another harbor negative feelings about one another and express it through a position of superiority via blatant disrespect and mean and hurtful comments. Contempt is exhibited through name-calling, sarcasm, passive aggression, mocking, and ridiculing. This form of communication can leave partners feeling worthless, unloved, and loathed in their marriage. Dr. Gottman has found through his research that couples who engage in contemptuous behavior tend to experience a weakened immune system resulting in them experiencing more illnesses and diseases.  According to Dr. Gottman, the presence of contempt in a relationship is the number one predictor of divorce because of how damaging it can be. 

Defensiveness
This behavior is a form of putting blame on a partner when one partner feels unjustly attacked or accused of something.  Partners who engage in defensiveness provide excuses in hopes that their partner will back down however this strategy is never effective because it can send the message that “you’re the problem, not me.” Generally this form of communication just breeds conflict and makes reaching a resolution that much more challenging. 

Stonewalling
This problematic behavior occurs when a partner chooses to avoid addressing concerns in his/her relationship and instead shuts down and withdraws from his/her partner.  Stonewalling can take the form of ignoring, tuning out, and focusing on other tasks when one partner is trying to engage in a conversation or interaction.  This lack of response is a response in itself and sends the message that what a partner is saying is not important enough to give attention to.   

One of the first steps in being able to combat the four horsemen is to recognize if and when they are present in a couple’s interactions.  However, just having awareness of these toxic behaviors is not enough to eliminate them but rather requires couples to replace them with healthier forms of communication.  Below about some strategies that can challenge and reduce the presence of the four horsemen in a relationship:

Criticism
In order to prevent attacking a partner’s character when a concern arises, practice engaging in expressing complaints about a behavior without blaming the partner.  This can be done by using “I” statements instead of “you” statements in order to verbalize a positive need based on how a partner is feeling.  

Contempt
Eliminating contempt in a relationship requires the replacement of negative feelings about a partner with positive feelings.  To do this, partners need to establish a sense of respect and appreciation for one another by highlighting and verbalizing actions, traits, and situations that are considered positive.  One exercise that helps to promote this involves identifying 5 positive traits for every 1 complaint a partner has about his/her partner.

Defensiveness
Defensiveness entails placing blame on the other person when feeling criticized or attacked therefore one strategy that can be used to avoid engaging in this behavior is to take responsibility for each partner’s role in the conflict. 

Stonewalling
Generally partners engage in stonewalling as a result of feeling overwhelmed or flooded with conflict and the presence of the three other horsemen.  Because withdrawing and shutting down are damaging responses to a relationship, couples should aim to acknowledge when a partner is becoming flooded and request to take a time out in order to self-soothe.  The time out should be used productively by engaging in activities that promote relaxation or distraction, not using the time to ruminate on negative thoughts or feelings of helplessness.  

As previously mentioned, criticism, contempt, stonewalling, and defensiveness are extremely damaging behaviors to a relationship and often lead to divorce.  However, couples don’t have to fall prey to these dysfunctional patterns of interactions and can instead learn to become aware of when the four horsemen are present and begin to replace them with positive and healthier choices.

~ Cory Stege, M.S., LMFT

Stress In The Workplace

The workplace is one of the most common sources of stress in the United States and many of us struggle with being able to manage this stress without it negatively impacting our emotional, physical, and mental health.  Whether work-related stress is short-term or chronic, it can impact us in various ways if we don’t get a handle on it.   For example, unmanaged short-term stress can cause headaches, stomachaches, difficulty focusing, sleep problems, anger and irritability whereas unmanaged chronic stress can contribute to anxiety, depression, high blood pressure, insomnia, heart disease, obesity, and a weakened immune system.   When we begin to experience some of these negative effects of stress, we often turn to unhealthy coping skills that include alcohol or tobacco use, unhealthy diet, lack of exercise, and isolation, which just compounds the negative effects of work associated stress.  Take a look at some of the triggers to work-related stress and steps we can take to cope with them:

What are some common factors associated with the workplace that contribute to stress?

1.     Increasing and demanding work loads

2.     Lack of opportunities for growth or advancement

3.     Low salaries or lack of benefits

4.     Lack of social support

5.     Conflict with supervisors/managers or co-workers

6.     Lack of boundaries

7.     Unclear or unrealistic job-related expectations

8.     Lack of decision-making power or ability

9.     Lack of challenge or engagement in job-related tasks

In order to combat work-related stress so that our physical, mental, or emotional functioning is not impacted, we can develop and implement some healthy and effective coping skills. Here are some helpful tips to consider:

1.     Increase awareness of your specific stress-related triggers at work.  This includes identifying what situations/factors cause the most stress and acknowledging how you are responding to them.  It can help to identify thoughts, feelings, and behaviors associated with the specific stressors so that any patterns can be identified. 

2.     Replace unhealthy habits and coping mechanisms with healthy choices.  Instead of grabbing alcohol, junk food, or engaging in isolation, try engaging in physical activity, healthy eating habits, and activities with friends and family. 

3.     Develop healthy sleep hygiene habits.  This includes avoiding caffeine or physical activity 3-4 hours within sleep as well as any stimulating devices such as T.V. or cell phone activity in bed.  Maintaining a consistent sleep-wake cycle also helps promote good sleep quality. 

4.     Establish boundaries.  This not only includes setting boundaries between your work and personal life but also involves setting limits at work.  Identify your limits and learn to be okay with saying no to tasks that you know will increase your stress level.

5.     Identify factors that are both within and outside of your control.  It is easy to focus on aspects of our jobs that we have no control over however that just increases our stress. Instead, focus on the things at work that you are able to manage or control and let go of or learn to accept those factors that you simply cannot change.

6.     Disconnect in order to recharge.  This involves taking time for yourself away from work to re-energize.  This can involve taking a vacation (don’t let your accrued time off go to waste) or just turning off your cell phone or computer for some time so that you aren’t tempted to think about work. 

7.     Practice relaxation exercises.  When you feel triggered or your stress is elevated, try focusing on your breath or engage in a quick meditation exercise to help clear your mind and ground you.

8.     Engage in assertive communication with supervisors and co-workers.  Remind yourself that solely airing complaints is never productive but rather the intention of addressing concerns should be to identify potential solutions or plans that may improve stress-related situations.

9.     Seek out support.  This can include talking with friends and family members to help you vent and process your stress.  Professional help, whether it is through your employer’s EAP program or something you seek on your own, can be very beneficial in addressing concerns and developing new and effective coping skills.

Healthy employees tend to be associated with high levels of productivity and job satisfaction, which are some of the goals we seek to obtain in the workplace. However, stress at work is often unavoidable for the reasons previously mentioned therefore it is critical that we learn to develop healthy and effective strategies for managing it.  

~ Cory Stege, M.S., LMFT

How To Navigate A Trial Separation

Many couples who feel they have tried everything to improve their relationship and resolve ongoing issues while continuing to live together often turn to the option of a trial separation.  Although this option may seem like it is one step closer to the end of a relationship or divorce, a trial separation actually has the potential to improve relationships and promote growth if it is implemented in an effective manner.  Trial separations can provide couples with time and space apart so that an objective process of clarification and evaluation of the relationship can take place without the ongoing tension that tends to exist while couples live together.  Trial separations also allows couples to remain married while gaining a better understanding of the emotional and financial implications of a potential divorce.  

It is important to acknowledge that many individuals considering separation experience anxiety and fear about the relationship ending, especially for the partner who is not initiating it.  However there are some steps couples can take to make this process work towards their benefit as well as some factors to avoid in order to help prevent the end of a relationship.  Below are some do’s and don’ts to help implement an effective trial separation:

DO:

Establish a time frame for how long the separation will last before either partner makes a decision about the relationship. This tends to be anywhere from 3 months to a year.

Negotiate the terms of the separation so that the needs of both partners are met.  Some terms that should be considered include expectations regarding the frequency of physical and verbal contact with one another, boundaries with other people, whether intimacy will take place, how finances will be managed, and where both partners will be living.

If children are involved, establish a co-parenting plan and discuss how the separation will be explained to the children.

Maintain ongoing and open communication that focuses on listening and problem solving.

Participate in couples counseling during the length of the separation.

Individually work on behaviors and problems that contribute to relationship issues.

Seek legal and financial advice together.

DON’T:

Focus on who is to blame for relationship issues.

Make impulsive decisions when feeling emotional.

Alter the terms of the separation without the agreement of each partner.

Start a new relationship.

Worry about what other people will think.

Talk about your partner in a negative way to children or other family members.

Go behind your partner’s back to seek legal or financial advice or make a decision to file for divorce.

Couples who are able to agree to and implement a well thought out plan to separate for a temporary period of time have potential to save and strengthen their relationships. However, if couples determine that their relationship is not worth saving after they have taken the above steps, the stress of divorce can be lessened since the majority of the groundwork for figuring out the implications and logistics has been laid during this process.  

~ Cory Stege, M.S., LMFT

Politics and Relationships: How To Manage Our Differences

With the upcoming presidential election upon us, it seems appropriate to address the impact our political beliefs can have on our relationships.  Politics has always been known to be a “hot” topic and the majority of us have a tendency to avoid the topic all together with friends, family, or significant others who we know carry different beliefs and viewpoints than ourselves.  For those of us who are daring enough to breach the topic with other people, we may find that it can lead to disagreements, rifts, and negative feelings towards others if we don’t approach the topic in an effective manner.  Because politics is currently a relevant topic for the majority of Americans right now, we should hope to be able to openly share our ideas and carry conversations with those we are close with without it negatively impacting these relationships. So here are some do’s and don’ts that can be helpful in talking about politics with our loved ones:

DO:

1. Practice active listening.  This means that we are interested in what other people are sharing by           acknowledging and reflecting back to them that you hear and understand.  This does not mean         that by acknowledging you are agreeing with them; rather it sends the message that you are               open and inviting to what others are saying.
2. Ask open-ended and clarifying questions.  
3. Remember that political viewpoints are based on each individual’s interpretations of facts as well as         are closely connected to our sense of identify.
4. Practice respect and empathy. Try to put yourself in the other’s person’s shoes to gain a better               understanding of where they are coming from.
5. Agree to disagree.  This means we need to know when a conversation needs to end and                 remember that our relationships with our loved ones are more important than proving a point           or feeling the need to “win” a debate.
6. Highlight commonalities when possible.
7. Be aware of the goal of the conversation.

DON’T:

1. Engage in selective listening.  This type of listening and communication serves the purpose of               just looking for an opportunity to disagree and can be unproductive.
2. Tell others that their beliefs and viewpoints are wrong.  This approach rarely results in getting                 other people to change their minds and just breeds defensiveness and conflict.  
3. Impose your political beliefs onto others.  No one likes to be told what to do or how to think.
4. Take someone’s difference in beliefs and viewpoints personally.
5. Bring up politics solely to vent your frustration on a specific topic or issue.

Like any sensitive or important topic, we can learn to be mindful and take steps to be able to talk about it so that our relationships are not negatively impacted.  Following these steps can create opportunities for connection, growth, and education and can allow for enjoyable and rewarding conversations.

~ Cory Stege, M.S., LMFT

Mindful Parenting

As parents, we all have ideas about what we want our children to be like and can easily get caught up these thoughts which can cause us to miss out on who are children are now as well as what is going on with them in the present.  As you can imagine, this type of mindset and parenting can have negative consequences on the parent-child relationship therefore we can strive to be more mindful in our interactions and parenting.  So what does mindful parenting mean? Mindful parenting is a concept developed by mindfulness guru Jon Kabat-Zinn and his wife Myla, who are the authors of Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting.  According to the Kabat-Zinns, practicing mindful parenting is the ability to maintain an open mind and heart with a nonjudgmental attitude while being present in the moment.  This type of parenting requires us to let go of what we want our children to be and act like and instead focus on what is going on in the here-and-now with ourselves and our children.  In other words, mindful parenting is seeing and accepting our children for who they are right now without comparing them to who and what we want them to be.

What are the benefits of mindful parenting?  Because this type of interacting requires parents to be attuned, accepted, and empathic to their children, it can positively influence the emotional and relational development in their children.  Parents who practice mindfulness with their children tend to be more emotionally balanced and present which has been shown to promote functional and grounded children into adulthood.  This means that practicing consistent mindful parenting can result in children being able to manage emotionally charged situations as they grow.  

How can we practice mindful parenting? Here are some tips you can begin to practice:

1. Increase awareness of your mind (thoughts and self-talk) and body (physical sensations)
2. React less and respond more. Reacting tends to involve automatic, mindless behaviors whereas responding involves creating space and awareness to acknowledge that there are multiple choices for how we can manage any situation.  
3. Allow your children to have some degree of physical and emotional space from you.
4. Simplify your days by not over-scheduling or being too focused on what you would like to have happen.
5. Maintain a life outside of being a parent.  
6. BREATHE!

Just like mindfulness, mindful parenting takes years of practice but can be extremely rewarding for parents and children individually and in relationship to one another.

~ Cory Stege, M.S., LMFT

The Impact Social Media Has On Intimate Partner Relationships

There is no doubt that the internet and social media has changed the ways we manage our lives, both personally and professionally.  It is also safe to say that social media has greatly influenced our relationships and has allowed us to connect with more people than we may otherwise would without it.  Social media is a convenient way to share information and offers immediate gratification, which can boost self-esteem and decrease feelings of loneliness.

However, social media also has its downsides and has been shown to be one of the main factors associated with conflict in relationships as well as is one of the leading causes of divorce.  So what aspects of social media contribute to this negative trend in our relationships? For one, individuals have a tendency to overestimate levels of intimacy on social media, which is often inaccurate for our real-life relationships.  As human beings, we crave in-person intimacy, which is required to nurture our long-term relationships. Therefore, online relationships cannot be a substitute for real-life, face-to-face connections. With the age of mobile devices, social media can be accessed on-demand whenever and wherever we are however this can lead to ignoring of the people in our physical presence.  The more time we spend on social media, the less time we have to be with and spend quality time with our intimate partners.  

Social media has also been found to be sources of temptation, drama, and jealousy in our relationships. Most of us only share details about our lives that are positive or attractive, which can lead us to compare ourselves and our partners to others.  This creates the perception that “the grass is always greener” and influences us to believe that we can find someone who is more attractive, successful, etc. than our partner.  Because social media allows us to connect with people we normally would not have the opportunity to meet in-person, it can make it easy to develop and maintain relationships that may be inappropriate for someone who is already in a committed intimate relationship. With this comes the potential of lying and infidelity, which are both catalysts to problems in our relationships.

So what can we do to avoid falling into the pitfalls of social media and instead find a balance with it so that we can nurture our real-life relationships? First and foremost, we can establish boundaries around our social media use.  This includes limiting the amount of time we spend online, especially when we are in the presence of others.  We can also increase our awareness of reasons we seek to connect with others online and be honest with ourselves about the purpose these connections have for us.  Lastly, we can continue to put in as much or more time and effort into growing and maintaining our in-person relationships.  

~ Cory Stege, M.S., LMFT

Surviving Infidelity

Infidelity can be experienced in many forms within a relationship since every couple is different and every individual carries his or her own definition of betrayal.  Therefore depending on the couple and the individuals within it, infidelity can be considered to be an emotional connection, online communication and relationships, or physical and sexual relationships with others outside of the primary partnership. Because the definition can vary, it is important for couples to share with one another how each partner views infidelity and expectations within their relationship.

Just like the definition, there are various possible reasons for why infidelity may occur within a relationship.  Some of these reasons include a lack of communication of physical and emotional needs; lack of affection; lack of caring or fond feelings between partners; mental health symptoms and disorders; physical problems; addiction and substance abuse; and ongoing unresolved relationship issues. 

Once infidelity within a relationship has been discovered, it can be expected for the partners to experience anger, hurt, sadness, depression, remorse, embarrassment, guilt, shame, resentment, and betrayal. Because these emotions can be powerful and intense, it is important for each partner within a couple to refrain from making any major decisions until adequate time has been given to allow for processing and clarification about what is needed to heal from the infidelity.  Here are some helpful steps couples can take to promote healing after a betrayal:

Partner who engaged in infidelity:
1.    Be open to actively listening to your partner about the effect the betrayal has on him or her without blaming or becoming defensive.
2.    Demonstrate to your partner that you can trustworthy by following through with your intentions to re-establish commitment and trust.
3.    Be an open book with your partner by sharing and answering any details and questions he or she may have about the infidelity.
4.    Take responsibility for your actions and be willing to look at and consider reasons you engaged in the infidelity.

Partner who was betrayed by infidelity
1.    Focus on your basic needs (sleep, diet, exercise, support network) in order to take care of yourself during this difficult time.
2.    Clarify with yourself what information you want to know about the infidelity before asking your partner since knowing too many details may be overwhelming and traumatizing. 
3.    Don’t blame yourself and regain trust in your sense of self by focusing on your strengths and resiliencies.
4.    Be willing to consider your role in any ongoing or current relationship problems. Remember, this does not mean that you are to blame or are responsible for the infidelity. 
5.    Give yourself time to forgive your partner and know that there is no time frame for it since every couple and individual is different.
6.    Prevent yourself from engaging in behavior that you may regret later on because of the strong emotions you may experience.  

Couples who are generally able to successfully heal, recover, and strengthen their relationship following infidelity are able to be realistic and patient about the process as well as be open and honest about each partner’s role and responsibility in any prior and underlying relationship issues.  These couples also have the ability to recognize any positive efforts each partner may be making to rebuild trust.  Therapy is highly recommended for any couple who may be experiencing infidelity as it can provide a safe and supportive environment in order to navigate through this oftentimes painful and difficult process. 

~ Cory Stege, M.S., LMFT
 

Understanding the Emotional Cycle of Deployment

There are numerous challenges that military couples and families face however one of the most trying experiences includes long periods of separation associated with deployments. Deployments can range anywhere from 1 month up until 2 years and can often be experienced as a significant disruption and trauma to service members and their significant others.  Over the years of wartime and humanitarian efforts that are typical missions of military deployments, common emotional experiences have been identified that have allowed us to better understand the stages that service members and their families go through.  Knowing and understanding the five distinct stages of deployment can help everyone involved learn about what they can expect and can promote normalization of emotional experiences.  The ability to negotiate and navigate these stages is crucial in order to prevent crises as well as to minimize the need for command/unit involvement and mental health services.

Stage 1: Pre-deployment
The first stage of the emotional cycle of deployment begins when a military unit first learns about the plan to deploy and lasts up until the unit actually deploys.  This stage can last as little as a few days up to months depending on the mission.  During this stage, service members and their families begin to anticipate the loss of being away from one another and can be experienced through denial that the service member is leaving as well as an increase in conflict associated with tension, fear, clinginess, and distance.  Once the deployment is near, service members and family members may begin to detach and withdrawal from one another, which may manifest through aggression, bitterness, fear, and worry. 

Stage 2: Deployment
The second stage in the emotional cycle of deployment begins once the service member leaves their family for deployment and can last up until the first month of being separated. This stage is described as disorganization and is characterized as confusion that is associated with expectations which can be exhibited through mixed feelings (fear, pride, anxiety, anger, relief, despair).  This stage also involves challenges related to maintaining family roles, responsibilities, and routines for the family members left at home due to the need to compensate for the deployed service member’s physical absence 

Stage 3: Sustainment
The third stage in the emotional cycle of deployment begins around the second month into deployment and typically lasts until a month or two prior to the service member’s return home. This stage is characterized as stabilization as a result of the family members’ reorganization of roles and routines that are effective in meeting the family’s needs.  This stage can also involve increased communication between the deployed service member and the family, which can promote reassurance that everyone is okay.

Stage 4: Re-deployment
The fourth stage in the emotional cycle of deployment begins about a month or two prior to the deployed service member’s return home. This stage involves everyone’s anticipation and preparation for the service member’s return and can be experienced through excitement, apprehension, and nervousness about what things will be like once the family is reunited. Oftentimes individuals focus on questions about the changes everybody has experienced during their time apart as well as question how one another will feel about each other. 

Stage 5: Post-deployment
The final stage in the emotional cycle of deployment begins once the service member has returned home and can last 3 to 6 months after deployment. This stage is all about reunification of the service member and their family members and involves renegotiating the roles, responsibilities, and routines within the home.  This process can be associated with conflict however it is the most significant stage since it can greatly influence the long-term wellbeing of the service members’ relationships with their families. 

~ Cory Stege, M.S., LMFT

Errors in Thinking: Recognize, Challenge, and Reframe

Our thoughts can be very powerful as they influence how we feel, behave, and experience each and every situation we come across.  As such, it can be extremely valuable to be able to identify, recognize, and reframe our thought patterns when they are working against us and the experiences we want to obtain.  There has been extensive literature on common thought patterns that are associated with depression, anxiety, guilt, anger, and fear and understanding what they are is the first step in bringing awareness to how we may be contributing to our own unhappiness so that we can challenge and reframe these negative thought processes.  Learn more about some of these common errors in thinking:

Black and white or all-or-nothing thinking
This thought pattern involves viewing aspects at extremes, whether it is all good or all bad or right or wrong and does not involve any consideration of gray areas.  When we think or verbalize our thoughts by using “always” or “never”, we are limiting ourselves to thinking about situations in absolute terms, which can be unrealistic.  One helpful technique that works to challenge this thought pattern is to look for exceptions to the situation.

Overgeneralizing
This cognitive distortion involves applying our thoughts, feelings, or a particular outcome in one specific situation to other areas of our lives.  An example is when we fail one test and think “I am bad at taking all tests.”  In order to challenge this thought pattern, look for situations that may discredit this, like thinking about any time you did not fail a test.

Filtering
We engage in filtering when we ignore or focus on a specific situation or feeling that is not accurate or realistic of our overall experience.  This usually involves us filtering out the good and instead focusing on the bad.  For example, we could receive positive feedback from 9 out of 10 people about our work performance however we ignore those comments and instead focus on the one negative comment and use that to decide how we feel about things.  In order to combat this cognitive distortion, focus on the facts and be realistic, which can promote a more balanced way of thinking. 

Catastrophizing
Catastrophizing occurs when we engage in worst-case-scenario-type thinking, especially if there are no realistic reasons that indicate that we should be thinking in this way. For example, not being hired after being interviewed for a job may translate to “I am never going to get hired by anyone and then I won’t be able to pay my bills and will lose everything I have.” One way to challenge this negative type of thinking is to remind yourself that there are always other possible outcomes that may result in what you want.   

Mind-reading
This type of error in thinking is all about assuming what other people are thinking or feeling.  Since we can never be 100% accurate about knowing exactly what is going on with someone else, this thought pattern can get us into trouble because it results in us thinking and behaving in ways that are not always based on reality.  This line of reasoning can be challenged by reminding ourselves about the real possibility that people may think and feel differently than how you may assume they do, even if you know someone well.

Personalization
This type of thought process involves the assumption that the world revolves around me and entails taking situations personal, even if it is not realistic.  An example is believing that a family member is upset with me because they did not call me back.  Similar to black or white or all-or-nothing thinking, this error in thinking can be challenged by reminding yourself that there may be other reasons for something happening and that it may have nothing to do with you.

Emotional Reasoning
When we feel emotional, we often think about situations and make decisions that are not always in our best interests because we believe we are being rational when oftentimes our emotions may not be based in reality. Therefore, it is always a good idea to reality check your emotions since they are not always based on facts before reacting or making any important decisions.

These are just a few examples of the types of errors in thinking or cognitive distortions we can find ourselves engaging in, so take a minute to consider whether you have noticed yourself falling into any of these thought patterns. If you are able to recognize your negative thought tendencies, try to begin to challenge your thoughts by actively seeking exceptions or times when your thinking was more positive and reality based.  Once you get into the habit of being aware of and challenging your thoughts, you will find it easier to replace them with reality-based perceptions.  Like most skills, this takes time, practice, and patience but you will find your ability to have more positive and realistic experiences to be very rewarding. 

~Cory Stege, M.S., LMFT

Self-Regulation Through Conscious Breathing

Have you ever noticed what your breathing is like when you are stressed, anxious, or panicked? It probably takes the form of being short, rapid, and shallow and associates with a rapid heartbeat, sweating, or trembling sensations.  Now think about what your breathing is typically like when you are feeling calm and relaxed.  Hopefully you notice that your breaths are longer, slower, and deeper and is associated with relaxed muscles and normal heart rate.  Since breathing is an automatic process for us, we generally do not pay attention to it however we can experience many benefits physically, emotionally, and mentally if we make a conscious effort to focus on and manipulate it.  

So how does conscious breathing work?  Our bodies can never be in a state of tension and relaxation at the same time therefore when we consciously direct and manipulate our breathing we activate our parasympathetic nervous system, which promotes relaxation and receptivity and this causes us to deactivate our sympathetic nervous system, which is our fight or flight response.  By focusing on taking deep, slow, and long breaths, we are able to send messages to our mind and body that influences us to feel calm, soothed, and re-energized.  

There are many different types of conscious breathing exercises we can practice however I have included two simple techniques that you can implement into your daily activities:

Equal breathing:

Sit or stand in a comfortable position and close your eyes to help block out any distractions. Take a deep inhale through your nose for a count of four and then exhale through your mouth for a count of four.  Repeat this sequence 4-5 times.

Abdominal breathing:

Again, sit or stand in a comfortable position and close your eyes to help block out any distractions.  Place one of your hands on your chest and your other hand on your stomach.  Inhale deeply through your nose and ensure that your diaphragm inflates, not your chest, so that air is moving through your lungs. Exhale through your mouth and repeat this sequence 6-8 times for one minute.

One of the greatest benefits of using our breath as a coping skill and self-regulation tool is that we can do it anywhere and at any time and it only takes seconds to minutes for us to experience results.  Incorporating simple breathing exercises into our daily routines by creating rituals can help increase our awareness, relax our mind and body, help us tackle the stressors of our day more effectively, as well as deepen our positive experiences by being more mindful in the moment.  

~ Cory Stege, M.S., LMFT  

Tips For Improving Your Sleep Hygiene

Sleep is one of the most essential keys to maintaining our overall wellbeing and health and without it we can experience other problems.  Getting enough sleep helps us restore our physical, emotional, and mental states which is fundamental to our ability to function every day.  There are some practices and habits we can establish and engage in on a daily basis that can help promote good quality sleep.   Here are some recommendations we can follow:

•    Maintain a regular sleep-wake cycle 7 days a week.  This means establishing a schedule in     which you go to bed and wake up at the same time every day.
•    Avoid napping during the day.
•    Avoid consumption of stimulants such as caffeine, alcohol, or nicotine too close to bedtime.
•    Engage in regular exercise or physical activity in the morning or late afternoon and avoid doing so too close to bedtime. 
•    Avoid eating large meals or drinking a lot of liquids too close to bedtime.
•    Obtain exposure to natural light throughout the day.
•    Clear your mind before bed.  This means to avoid engaging in upsetting conversations or thoughts.  Breathing exercises or taking a hot bath or shower can be helpful tools to get you into a relaxed state.
•    Keep electronics out of your bed (no cell phone, computer, or T.V.) This helps you to associate your bed with sleep.
•    Create a comfortable and relaxing environment in your bedroom, which includes temperature, decorations, lighting, and sound.
•    Avoid watching the clock if you cannot sleep. Instead, get up and do something that may tire you.

Depending on our needs, schedule, and stress level among other factors, our sleep-wake schedule will vary from person to person however it is important for us to find out what strategies, habits, and practices work best for us. The key is consistency and sticking with your healthy hygiene practices even if you experience a night or two of poor sleep.  There are many benefits to maintaining healthy sleep hygiene as well as many consequences to not doing so.  Try out some of the above tips and don’t hesitate to reach out for professional help if you are struggling with any ongoing sleep issues. 

~ Cory Stege, M.S., LMFT

Suicide Prevention: Understanding the Warning Signs and Risk Factors

According to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (2016), 117 suicides occur on a daily basis and suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the U.S. Unfortunately these statistics may actually be less than the reality of the occurrence rate of suicide due to underreporting as a result of the negative stigma associated with it.  Suicide rates have continued to rise over the years, which indicate the importance of increasing our awareness of it so that we can start to decrease these statistics.  Suicide can be 100% preventable and knowing the warning signs and risk factors can help us save lives. 

Many of us wonder what causes suicidal behavior and the answer is that there is no one cause.  Suicidal thoughts and behavior are often associated with other mental health conditions, most commonly depression, anxiety, Bipolar Disorder, psychosis, and substance abuse.  When these conditions go untreated or when the stressors we experience are beyond what we believe our coping abilities are, the risk of suicide increases.  So what can we look out for if we are concerned that someone may be considering suicide? 

Here is a list of common warning signs for suicide:

•       A significant change in behavior, especially after a loss, trauma, or life transition
•       An increase in substance use
•       Isolation or withdrawal from support network
•       Reckless behavior
•       Insomnia or sleeping too much
•       Giving away personal belongings
•       Calling/writing to people to say goodbye
•       Researching or looking for ways to die
•       Aggressiveness and rage
•       Depression
•       Irritability/anger
•       Humiliation/embarrassment
•       Decreased involvement in activities and hobbies
•       Anxiety
•       Talk of severe hopelessness or being a burden to other people
•       Expressing pain and not having any reasons to live
•       Expressing suicidal ideation that the individual wants to kill themselves

Oftentimes the warning signs of suicidal behaviors may not be obvious so understanding what factors can put individuals at risk for suicide can be helpful for increasing our awareness and promoting prevention.

Here is a list of common risk factors for suicide:

•       Stressful events such as a loss, trauma, change in job, finances, relationships, etc.
•       Prolonged stress in work or school setting (bullying/harassment) or ongoing relationship              problems
•       Having a specific plan for how an individual would kill themselves
•       Having access and the means to carry out a plan (owning a firearm and drugs)
•       Inability to contract for safety
•       Exposure to suicide
•       History of previous suicide attempts
•       Family history of suicidal behavior
•       Serious or chronic medical conditions
•       Mental health conditions (depression, anxiety, Bipolar disorder, personality disorders,                      psychosis, and psychotic disorders)     

Knowing and understanding the warning signs and risk factors for suicide can help us identify them in individuals we know and care about so that we can get them the help they need and prevent them from being apart of the growing statistics.  One myth that needs to be debunked is that if we ask or talk about suicide to those we are worried about it impacting then we will put them more at risk for attempting.  This is not the case and actually can have the opposite effect of potentially saving a life.  So if you are concerned about someone or have noticed any of the above signs or risks, don’t be afraid to directly ask if they are thinking about suicide and then offer them an ear to listen and let them know that there are options.  Since suicide can be prevented, there are many treatment options and avenues people can take to get help.  These include psychotherapy, medication, hospitalization, and other treatment interventions for associated mental health disorders like depression, anxiety, Bipolar Disorder, psychosis, substance abuse, and personality disorders.

If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts or is at risk for suicide, use these resources below to access help 24/7:

Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

Veterans Crisis Line: 1-800-273-8255 press 1

Crisis Chat for online emotional support: crisischat.org

Crisis Text Line: Text START to 741-741

~ Cory Stege, M.S., LMFT

What Is Mindfulness?

Do you ever notice that your mind is on autopilot and that your thoughts have a tendency to run wherever they want even if you don’t want them to? Most of us human beings spend a significant amount of time either focusing on events from the past or worrying about the future which is one reason why so many of us suffer from symptoms of anxiety, depression, and other mental health conditions.  We find ourselves living in our automatic thoughts which are often misidentified to us as reality.  This can take the form of having a negative view of self and the world even if this view is not accurate and we often miss out on the true reality of what is actually happening in the here and now because today is the future event we have always been focusing on.  

So how do we manage these automatic thoughts and emotions so that we are able to heal, transform, and find peacefulness within ourselves?  The answer is simple however it is one of the most difficult skills we can develop: mindfulness.  According to John Kabat-Zinn, the author of Wherever You Go There You Are (1994),  mindfulness is being able to “pay attention on purpose and with intention to the present moment without any judgment.” In other words, mindfulness equates to having awareness of our thoughts, feelings, and senses without having an agenda.  Having awareness is to know as well as to not know and requires us to work with things as they are instead of trying to change or fix them.

One exercise that promotes this awareness is conducting a body scan: take a moment to notice what feelings and sensations you are currently experiencing starting in your toes, calves, knees, thighs, hips, abdomen, chest, shoulders, neck, cheeks, eyes, and scalp.  Then notice what types of thoughts you are having as you try to focus on your body and allow yourself to just sit there for a few seconds and focus on your breathing. If any judgmental thoughts or worries come into your mind, allow yourself to let them go and bring your attention back to your body.  

Another exercise that promotes mindfulness involves the simple act of eating an apple.  Using all five of your senses, notice what the apple looks like (color, shape, size, etc.); how does it feel against your fingers as well as when you take a bite and chew it? Does it smell like anything?  What sound does it make when you bite into it? What does it taste like? This sounds easy however the challenge comes in when you notice what other thoughts pop into your mind and being able to let go of them and just be in the moment.

Once these skills are developed, we can apply them to situations and events that cause us to feel stressed, depressed, or anxious so that we feel more at peace and satisfied. The more we are able to intentionally check in with ourselves without having expectations or judgments, the better our ability will be to manage the balancing act between our thoughts and feelings.  In short, the goal of mindfulness is to shift our focus from doing to being; after all we are called human beings for a reason.  

~ Cory Stege, M.S., LMFT

Active Listening

One of the most valuable and important communication skills we can master is listening.  We have two ears and one mouth for a reason!  Listening does not just mean to hear what other people are saying but rather it involves the ability to hear, understand, acknowledge, and provide appropriate feedback.  Oftentimes we think we are listening to what someone is saying but instead we are really thinking about what our response is going to be, which causes us to misunderstand what is being communicated and can lead to conflict.   However, active listening does not come naturally to most of us and requires conscious effort and practice but can result in many benefits if we are able to develop and use this skill.  Here are some steps you can take to develop and practice the art of active listening:

1.     Focus your attention on the speaker.  This means that you need to block out all other distractions so that all of your attention is directed at the person who is talking to you.  Try to minimize any thoughts, side conversations, or other stimuli in the environment so that your focus and attention are in one place. This step involves non-verbal communication such as direct eye contact. 

2.     Exhibit signs that you are listening. This means that you are showing the person you are talking to that you can hear what they are saying by nodding your head, maintaining an open body posture, smiling or demonstrating other facial cues, and expressing verbal cues such as “I see” or “uh-huh”.  This sends the message to the person speaking that you are present and involved in the conversation.

3.     Reflect back what you hear.  We can let people know that we heard and understood what they are saying without having to agree/disagree or give our opinion by simply repeating or paraphrasing to them what we heard them say.  Using the phrase “what I heard you say” or “you are saying…” promotes acknowledgment and a sense of understanding. We can also ask clarifying questions if we did not understand or need statements to be repeated.  The goal of this step is to receive confirmation from the person speaking that your reflection is accurate. This step does not involve your response to what was said.

4.     Allow the speaker to complete his/her thoughts and do not interrupt. It can be extremely frustrating to try to talk to someone who cuts you off or interjects his/her own thoughts when you are in the middle of expressing yourself. Before you express your opinion about what was just communicated to you, allow the person to fully complete what he/she said and acknowledge it by following the previous steps so that when it is your time to talk, it will promote the other person to reciprocate by actively listening to you.

5.     Use assertiveness skills to respond.  Once there is mutual agreement that you have accurately heard and understand what was communicated to you, it is time for you to appropriately provide your thoughts and feelings by being open, respectful, and honest through the use of “I” statements.  This is where the saying “treat others the way you want to be treated” comes into play.

Try practicing these skills in your interactions with your partner, spouse, friends, family members, and work relationships.  If done correctly, you will find that being an effective listener makes conversations with other people more enjoyable by minimizing misunderstandings and conflict and promoting empathy, understanding, and openness. 

~ Cory Stege, M.S. LMFT

Five Steps To Resolving Conflict

Conflict can be very stressful and harmful to our mental, physical, and emotional health if we do not manage it appropriately however we can develop skills and tools that can be effective in managing it in order to minimize its effect on us.  Whether we experience ongoing conflict at home with our family, have an argument with a friend, or continue to clash with a coworker, being able to take the appropriate steps to resolving conflict is key to our health and relationships.  Here are five steps that we can take to promote effective conflict resolution:

1. Identify the source of the conflict.

Each involved party should share his/her perspective of what is causing the conflict.  This should include identifying when the problem began and if there was a triggering event.  Oftentimes conflict arises as a result of underlying feelings, expectations, or actions that we  may experience and allow to build but are not uncovered until there is a triggering event.  What one party thinks is the problem may be very different from how the the other party views the situation and can turn into attacking behavior. 

2.  Consider the other party's perspective.    

It is a myth that acknowledging someone else's perspective means you agree with it.  The ability to put our own thoughts and feelings aside and instead LISTEN to the other person and acknowledge what they said can do wonders in managing conflict.  When we feel heard and understood we are more open to hearing the perspective of others, especially when it is different from our own perspective. This can help decrease anger and resentment and promote solution-oriented thinking.

3. Brainstorm possible solutions.

Once agreement has been reached about what the actual identified issue or source of conflict is, all involved parties should each identify possible solutions that he/she believes will promote resolution. This step involves focusing on the present and what each party wants to have happen instead of hashing the past.  

4. Identify the possible solutions that each party can agree to support.

Once all of the possible solutions have been considered from each party, a discussion should take place in which each party is encouraged to acknowledge which solution(s) he/she is willing to consider implementing other than the solution they themselves identified.                                               

5. Agree on a solution and begin to implement it.

Now that possible solutions have been narrowed down to the ones each party is willing to implement, an agreement needs to take place involving the most acceptable solution for everyone involved.  Once an agreement is made about which solution is the most appropriate, each party involved should identify what he/she is going to do to implement the solution and prevent future conflict from arising.

These steps can be a helpful guide for managing conflict effectively however we often experience situations in which it seems like outside support may be the best option.  An objective third party such as a mediator or therapist can assist with this process; therefore if you or someone you know could benefit from additional support in this area, contact Evolve Psychotherapy today.

~ Cory Stege, M.S., LMFT

Establishing a Self-Care Plan

Self-care involves our conscious efforts and actions that focus on taking care of our physical, emotional, and mental well being.  Engaging in self-care can often be challenging  especially during times when it is needed the most.  However self-care is a necessary skill and activity that we must be able to engage in so that we can function at work, home, and in our relationships.  Some individuals may consider self-care to be selfish however we need to be selfish at times because we cannot take care of others or certain tasks if we are neglecting ourselves.  Using the analogy of the safety information when we fly can be helpful to think about: we must put on our own oxygen mask before putting one on others because what use will we be to others if we cannot breathe on our own?

Engaging in self care activities during times of stress, change, loss, or trauma is extremely important however we may find it overwhelming to have to use energy to engage in intentional actions focused on ourselves.  It can be helpful to figure out what activities nourish our physical, emotional, and mental selves when we are not in crisis or feeling stressed so that when we do face those challenging times, we will already have a plan in place.  Here are some suggestions you may consider for coming up with your own self care plan:

Physical self care activities:

• Engage in a healthy diet and eat three square meals a day.
• Engage in some form of physical activity or exercise; walking just 20-30 minutes a day can do wonders and has been shown to decrease depression and chronic health problems.
• Establish healthy sleep hygiene. Do not drink caffeine or exercise too close to the time you want to go to bed. Create a consistent sleep-wake schedule and aim to get 7-10 hours of sleep at night.
• Receive medical care when it is necessary. Don’t wait until it is an emergency; rather consider ways you can be preventative.

Mental self care activities :

• Establish a ritual to write in a journal on a regular basis to help you process the challenges and positive experiences of your day.
• Practice mindfulness, meditation, or relaxation exercises.  Simple breathing exercises can help us circulate oxygen to our brain which can help ground us and promote a clear head.
• Seek counseling services to address stressors and/or ongoing concerns.

Emotional self care activities

• Initiate regular contact with individuals in your support network to prevent isolation.
• Be aware of your limits and set healthy boundaries at work and in your relationships.
• Engage in pleasurable and enjoyable activities on a regular basis, whether it is alone or with other people.

Self care only occurs when we make conscious decisions to engage in it therefore we need to learn how to make it a priority since it will not happen on its own.  Individuals who engage in ongoing self care activities on a regular basis find that they are less likely to become stressed, are able to manage challenging situations effectively, are less likely to become physically ill and experience anxiety and depression, and typically feel more satisfied with their relationships.  Try our some of the suggestions above or contact us to help you develop your own self care plan.

~ Cory Stege, M.S., LMFT

Understanding Your Communication Style

Communication is the most important tool we can use to express ourselves and meet our needs.  However, the way we communicate our needs can greatly influence how other people experience us and thus, determines whether our needs may be met. 

There are 4 general styles of communication that we each tend to engage in and three of the styles are considered to be unhealthy and ineffective whereas one type of communication helps us clearly express ourselves so that we are able to meet our needs without being at the expense of other people.  Here are the four styles of communication:

Passive communication: This style of communication involves the avoidance of expression of one’s thoughts, feelings, or needs as a result of feeling like it is not worth it.  Individuals who possess low self-esteem or have a tendency to avoid conflict generally exhibit this style of communication and can be exhibited through poor eye contact and a closed body posture, quiet or soft speech, and a willingness to allow other people to infringe on his/her rights, whether it is deliberate or inadvertent.  Some of the negative consequences of engaging in this style of communication include anxiety, feelings of lack of control, hopelessness, depression, resentment, and lack of resolution of ongoing issues.

Aggressive communication: This style of communication is also used by individuals who often possess low self-esteem however it involves violating the rights of other people in order for individuals to get their needs met.  This style of communication can take the form of verbal or physical abuse in order to dominate, control, or intimidate other people. Individuals who use aggressive communication send the message that they believe they are superior to others and is exhibited through blaming, criticizing, and attacking; the use of a loud tone of voice; frequent interrupting and inability to listen well; impulsiveness; and a threatening body posture.  Some of the negative consequences of engaging in aggressive communication involve alienation from others, inability to resolve ongoing issues due to constant blaming, and the development of fear and hatred in other people.

Passive-Aggressive communication: This style of communication is a combination of the two previous styles and involves engaging in aggressive behavior in an indirect way.  Individuals who engage in this style of communication may appear to be passive however he/she is actually feeling angry, powerless, and resentful and he/she feels unable to directly address their concerns.  This style of communication is exhibited through sarcasm and incongruent body language (smiling when angry).  Some of the negative consequences of engaging in this style of communication involve persistent feelings of powerlessness, as well as alienation from others and lack of resolution of ongoing issues.

Assertive communication: This style of communication is the most effective and healthiest form of expression we can engage in because it leaves us feeling satisfied about our ability to get our needs met without alienating others.  Individuals who engage in this style of communication generally have high self-esteem and are able to clearly and directly state his/her thoughts, feelings, and needs in a respectful way so that other people are open to it.  This style of communication is exhibited by the use of “I” statements, effective listening, self-control, appropriate eye contact, an open body posture, and a calm and clear tone of voice.  Some of the outcomes individuals experience with this style of communication includes feelings of connection with other people, a sense of control over his/her life, and an ability to resolve issues.  Respect, confidence, and responsibility of self are the primary actions within assertiveness.  This style of communication allows us to advocate for ourselves, which is a crucial aspect of self-care.

Now that you have learned the different communication styles, take a minute to reflect on the patterns of communication you find yourself engaging in frequently.  If it is passive, aggressive, or passive-aggressive communication, consider whether these styles are working for you or whether you feel your needs are not being met and your relationships are being negatively impacted.  If you feel you could benefit from making changes to your communication style and want to develop and practice assertiveness skills, contact one of our therapists today.

~ Cory Stege, M.S., LMFT

Emotional Responses to Grief and Loss

Grief and loss can be the result of various circumstances that may include losing a job, ending a significant relationship, or experiencing the death of a loved one.  Even though these circumstances can be specific to an individual and carry different meanings, the experience of grief and loss tends to involve common emotional reactions in us all.  Based on research conducted by Swiss psychiatrist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross (Death and Dying 1969),  5 common stages or emotional experiences to some form of significant loss were identified.  These stages are better known as DABDA:

Denial: Typically our first reaction to a significant loss involves some form of denial in which we may feel like the loss is not real.  We can feel like we are in shock and that there must be a mistake with what has really happened.

Anger: Once our denial has precipitated and the significant loss becomes more realistic, we tend to experience frustration and anger about why the loss occurred. Our anger and frustration can be expressed through looking for someone or something to blame the loss on, focusing on feeling like the loss is unfair, and seeking a desire to understand the reason(s) that the loss occurred.

Bargaining: This emotional stage involves some form of negotiation or compromise with ourselves or others in order to avoid any additional grief or loss. Typically this negotiation and/or compromise involves some form of lifestyle changes or shift in our perspective on certain areas of life. This reaction highlights our need to feel like we may have some type of control over certain circumstances.

Depression: This stage involves exactly what it is named...depression.  The depression stage mimics what a Major Depressive Episode looks like: sadness, difficulty sleeping, fatigue, loss of interest or participation in hobbies/activities, feelings of shame and guilt, feelings of worthlessness, difficulty concentrating, and thoughts of death.  In normal grief reactions, the depression stage does not last for longer than two months following the grief/loss event.  In the event that these symptoms continue, further assessment is recommended.

Acceptance: We enter the final stage of grief and loss when we are able to recognize that we cannot change what has happened and we possess the mindset that things will be okay.  During this stage, our emotional reactions are more stable and we feel that the loss is no longer significantly affecting our daily functioning.

Although the research has identified these five stages, it is important to understand that everyone grieves differently and that there is no “right or wrong” way to react to a loss.  There is not a set order in which these stages are or should be experienced; it varies from individual to individual. Some people go through all of the stages more than once while others only experience two or three stages.  Many factors can influence our grief experiences such as other stressors we may be experiencing at the time of the loss, our strengths and resiliencies, our support system or lack thereof, and our self-care skills to name a few.   

When we experience a significant loss and are grieving, engaging in self-care is the most crucial action we can engage in.  Consider how you can take care of yourself physically, emotionally, and socially during this time. Seeking therapy for additional support carries multiple benefits as well so if you or someone you know has or is currently grieving, don’t hesitate to take action now.  

~Cory Stege, M.S., LMFT