Ten Topics To Discuss In Pre-Marital Counseling

There are many benefits to couples participating in counseling prior to getting married even if there are no red flags or concerns within the relationship.  Pre-marital counseling provides couples with an opportunity to identify, discuss, and negotiate important topics and aspects of a relationship so that the couples are better equipped to manage differences or conflict that may arise after they say ‘I do’.  Here are 10 topics that couples should talk about:

1.     Expectations of Yourself and Your Partner Regarding Roles and Responsibilities

Every couple is different when it comes to how they prefer to run and manage their household and gender roles.  Marriage can be viewed as a partnership between two people and deciding who is going to carry out specific roles and responsibilities is key to making the partnership run smoothly.  Couples are encouraged to consider if one or both partners will work or whether one partner will stay home as well as what specific tasks each partner will be responsible for (household chores, finances, cooking, etc.).

2.     Finances

Finances are one of the most common areas of conflict for couples. Pre-marital counseling can help couples learn to prevent or manage issues related to conflict by considering and talking about the following: how are finances going to be managed (will one partner take control of paying the bills or both?).  Will partners combine finances into one joint bank account or maintain separate accounts? How is debt prior to the relationship/marriage going to be handled once married? What financial goals, both short- and long-term, does each partner have?

3.     Family Planning

Couples should talk about each partner’s goals for what their idea of creating a family means.  Does this include having children? If so, how many children does each partner want?  If the couple wants children, how will infertility be handled if it becomes relevant?  If the couple does not want to have children, what other meaning of family can be established?

4.     Boundaries with others outside of your relationship

Another common area of conflict for couples is disagreements about how relationships with other people are managed. This can include friendships or extra-marital relationships and if not managed effectively, a couple’s relationship can be negatively impacted by one partner feeling betrayed. Therefore it is recommended that couples consider what each partner feels is appropriate and inappropriate regarding how they participate in other relationships.  Couples need to consider whether it is appropriate to maintain relationships with opposite gendered individuals; how much time each partner should be able to spend with other people; and how couples will manage extra-marital affairs if any should occur. 

5.     Intimacy

Intimacy is an avenue for couples to connect however oftentimes partners carry different meanings to what this means. Intimacy can entail physical affection and closeness, emotional intimacy, or physical intimacy; therefore it is important for couples to discuss how intimacy will play a role in the relationship.  Are there expectations for intimate moments (how often, the type of intimacy, etc.)?  How will intimacy play a role in managing or resolving conflict?

6.     Short- and long-term goals

As individuals, we all carry hopes and dreams for ourselves however once we enter into committed relationships we need to consider whether our goals are compatible with our partner and his or her goals.  Some areas couples are encouraged to consider are goals related to career, finances, family planning, hobbies/activities, retirement, and leaving behind a legacy.  Being in agreement about both individual and couple goals can help promote couples to work together to achieve their goals, which can promote an increase in relationship satisfaction.

7.     Spirituality

Depending on our upbringings, experiences, and preferences, we each possess belief systems about faith, spirituality, or other aspects outside of ourselves that can serve as sources of comfort and support.  Spirituality can play a part in relationships to various degrees therefore it is important for couples to share each other’s thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and lifestyle preferences.  If partners within a couple do not share similar beliefs, they need to be able to talk about how they can manage their differences in order to prevent it from negatively impacting their relationship.

8.     Conflict management

It is inevitable that couples are going to engage in disagreements and conflict however it is how a couple manages their conflict that can determine level of relationship satisfaction and feelings of connection.  Couples are encouraged to talk about each partner’s preferences for dealing with conflict as well as how they witnessed conflict being managed in their families of origin.  This can be an opportunity for couples to address their communication styles as well as develop effective coping and conflict management skills.

9.     Parents and in-laws

Parents and extended family members can play significant roles in our lives and oftentimes influence our intimate partner relationships.  It is common for couples to experience challenges with decisions about how family relationships will be managed once they combine their individual lives into a partnership.  Couples are encouraged to consider how they will manage their time with parents/in-laws; what boundaries need to be established with parents/in-laws; and how any potential conflict with parents/in-laws will be managed when it arises. 

10.  Meaning of your marriage commitment

One of the most crucial topics couples are encouraged to spend time talking about is what it means to each partner to be getting married.  Is it a life-long commitment or something that works for now? What are each partner’s beliefs about separation or divorce? Couples should share with one another what it is about each partner that attracted them to one another and reasons they want to maintain a relationship with this person.  Does the meaning of the relationship change once a couple gets married? 

These are just a few aspects of a relationship that couples are encouraged to spend time thinking and talking about prior to making a commitment in order to prevent any surprises down the road.  Many couples find that through the process of addressing these areas, they learn to identify, acknowledge, and negotiate differences that bring them closer together and promote a stronger bond.  If you are engaged or are in a relationship and are contemplating taking the next step in your relationship, consider participating in pre-marital counseling. 

~ Cory Stege, M.S., LMFT

Anxiety: When It Is More Than Just A Case Of Nerves

We all experience everyday stress and anxiety about work, finances, parenting, and our relationships.  Normal anxiety can be beneficial to us because it helps us become aware of warning signs that indicate that we need to take action in order to stay out of harm’s way.  However, anxiety can also be experienced as persistent, excessive, and overwhelming which can negatively impact our daily functioning.  So how can we tell when normal, everyday anxiety is no longer ‘normal’ or expected but is considered to be an anxiety disorder? Below you can learn about the differences in the levels of severity of anxiety and understand the warning signs that may indicate treatment:

Realistic Worry                   

Moderate worry about being able to pay the bills, find a job, manage stress within a relationship, or stress of being a parent.

Realistic Fear

Feeling fearful or afraid of a threatening or dangerous person, situation, or object.

Realistic Embarrassment

Feeling self-conscious or embarrassed in an awkward or uncomfortable situation.

Realistic Reactions to Traumatic Event

Experiencing symptoms of anxiety, sadness, or sleep problems immediately following the trauma.

Realistic Nervousness

Experiencing a degree of nervousness or anxiety before an interview, exam, date, or a presentation.

Versus

Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Excessive and persistent anxiety that is uncontrollable, causing significant distress and impairs daily functioning.

Specific Phobia

Avoidance of a person, place, or object that do not pose any threats due to irrational fears.

Social Anxiety

Excessive fears of being judged, humiliated, or embarrassed resulting in avoidance of social situations.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

Recurrent flashbacks, nightmares, or emotional numbing in response to a traumatic event experienced several months or years prior.

Panic Disorder

Physical and emotional symptoms that appear to be unrelated to an event and result in excessive worry about experiencing more symptoms in the future.

Anxiety disorders are among the most common mental health disorders in the United States and can be related to genetic factors, brain chemistry, personalities, and life events.  Like depression, anxiety disorders are highly treatable through various treatment options including medication, psychotherapy, and alternative treatments such as lifestyle changes related to diet and exercise, relaxation and meditation practices, yoga, acupuncture, and some vitamin supplements.  It is recommended to visit your Primary Care Physician to rule out any organic causes of anxiety prior to starting any other treatment.  If you or someone you know is experiencing any of the above symptoms, don’t hesitate to take action now!

~ Cory Stege, M.S., LMFT

Are You Depressed? Know When to Get Help.

Did you know that according to the National Institute of Mental Health, 15.7 million individuals over the age of 18 in the United States experienced at least one Major Depression episode in 2014?  This helps translates to Major Depression being one of the most common mental health disorders in the U.S.  Throughout our lifetime, we will all go through periods of ups and downs in our personal lives, relationships, school, work, and physical health that may influence us to experience some form of depression.  

Knowing the signs and symptoms of depression can be one of the most significant factors in knowing when to seek help in order to receive the appropriate treatment.  So how can you tell if you are experiencing a depressive episode? If you answer yes to the following list of symptom criteria based on the 5th edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (2015), you should consider reaching out for help:

1.    You experience a sad or depressed mood or a lack of interest in activities for most of the day       nearly every day for at least two weeks in which there is not a time during those two weeks in       which you feel euphoric, happy, or like yourself. 
2.   You or others in your support system notice a significant shift in your typical or baseline               mood.
3.   You notice that your functioning within your relationships, work, or school is impaired.
4.   You experience at least 5 of the following 9 symptoms every day over the past two weeks:
       a.    Irritability or depressed mood
       b.    Sleep disturbance (either lack of sleep or over sleeping)
       c.    Decreased interest or pleasure in activities that you previously enjoyed
       d.    Significant change in weight (either weight loss or weight gain)
       e.    Difficulty concentrating
       f.     Strong feelings of shame or guilt
       g.    Change in activity level (either psychomotor retardation or agitation)
       h.    Decreased energy or feelings of fatigue
       i.     Suicidal ideation or thoughts of death

These symptoms can range in level of severity from mild to severe depending on the number of symptoms you are experiencing as well as the level of impairment you experience in your daily functioning.  Some examples of impairment in functioning include: 

1.    Exhibiting withdrawal, isolation, aggressiveness, and/or anger within family and peer                       relationships
2.   Deterioration or failing performance in work or school tasks and projects
3.   Minimization or denial of feelings or problems to others
4.   Vague or active suicidal ideation
5.   Thoughts of or actual self-injurious behavior (cutting, burning, etc.) 

It is important to consider whether any of the above symptoms may be related to either a medical condition, substance use/abuse, another psychiatric disorder, or bereavement (grief) in order to determine the appropriate level of treatment as depression can often mimic or co-exist with these other conditions. 

The good news about Major Depression is that it is treatable (even the most severe forms!) through a variety of treatment modalities.  When seeing clients in psychotherapy who present with symptoms of depression, a referral to their primary care physician is typically made initially in order to rule out any organic or medical conditions that could be the cause of the depressive symptoms.  Other treatment options may include psychotropic medication, psychotherapy, lifestyle changes (diet, exercise, stress reduction, social support, and sleep hygiene), and acupuncture. 

Depression can leave you feeling stuck or like you have no control over your life however there is help for it. If you or someone you know is experiencing any of the above symptoms, don’t hesitate and take action now to get your life back!

~ Cory Stege, LMFT

What Is Your Love Language?

Whether we are single or are in a relationship, we all have a need or desire to feel loved or cared for by the individuals in our lives.  It is also true that we have a tendency to express our love and caring feelings for others, whether we are aware of it or not.  Because we are all unique individuals with different upbringings, experiences, and relationships, not everyone seeks this emotional attachment need to connect with others in the same way.  That is where The Five Love Languages (Chapman, 1995) comes into play.  Throughout years of experience in providing relationship counseling, Dr. Gary Chapman determined that there are 5 primary needs or avenues that we all seek to be met in our relationships, which are relevant in all cultures:

Acts of Service: Individuals with this love language value more action-oriented behavior in their relationships rather than verbal expressions.  Like the expression says, “actions speak louder than words”; therefore individuals with this love language tend to express their love in their relationships by doing things for others and likewise, these individuals seek the same from others in order to feel loved.

Quality Time: Individuals with this love language place emphasis on spending one-on-one time with others in which they feel they experience undivided attention.  It is important to distinguish between quality versus quantity time in that individuals with this love language do not necessarily seek to spend long durations of time with people in their relationships but rather focus on how the time they are together is spent.

Words of Affirmation:  Individuals with this love language long for others to validate and provide affirming statements to them in order to feel loved and cared for in their relationships.  Whether it is through giving compliments or positive reinforcement to others, words definitely speak louder than actions with this love language. 

Physical Touch: Individuals who experience and express love through appropriate physical touch and affection with others fall under this love language.  With this love language, it is important to understand that physical touch does not necessarily mean sex and intimacy but can be as simple as handholding, hugging, cuddling, or just being physically close with others.

Gift Giving:  Receiving and providing gifts to others is how individuals with this love language express and feel loved in their relationships.  Gift giving can promote thoughtfulness of others, which ultimately makes us feel connected to others. 

So, which love language do you possess?  It can be helpful to answer a few questions in order to determine this:

•    How was love expressed in your household growing up between your parents and caregivers               and yourself?  
•    Do you notice that you engage in a pattern of actions or behaviors when you express love                   towards others?
•    What do you complain about is missing the most in your relationships?
•    What behaviors do you request from your relationships most often?

Once we identify our own love language we can think about what love languages others close to us possess, whether it is our intimate partner, spouse, parent, or friend. It is important to not assume that those individuals close to us share our own love language or that they know and understand what our own love language means.  We can ask important people in our lives the same questions above in order to figure out what needs they seek to have met as well.  

So how can The Five Love Languages help us in our relationships?  First, it can help us gain insight into our relationships and experiences, whether positive or negative.  Second, it can help us direct our efforts into the correct place so that we don’t end up feeling ignored or unappreciated.  Because one of our primary emotional needs is to feel loved, being able to express and speak the love languages of individuals in your relationships can help decrease conflict and tension and promote an increase in connection and overall relationship satisfaction.  

I talk with all of my clients who present with relationship struggles about this topic and encourage everyone to read the book, The Five Love Languages By Dr. Gary Chapman, 1995.  

~ Cory Stege, LMFT

The ABCs of Anger Management

Who is the one person who always seems to make you angry?  I’m sure right now you can think of your spouse, employer, children, friend, colleague, or other family member.  However, this is a trick question because the only person who has the power to make you feel angry is YOURSELF.  I bet you are wondering how that makes any sense.  The answer to that is that you are the only person who has the power, control, and decision-making ability to allow yourself to be affected by a person or situation.  Therefore, anger is not caused by a situation but rather it is the result of how you think about the event. One way we can gain insight and learn to develop more effective anger management techniques is through the ABCs of anger:

A: The antecedent or anger trigger.  This is the event or situation that has occurred and has potential to affect you in some way. Being stood up by a friend for lunch is an example of an antecedent or triggering event.

B: Your beliefs about the antecedent or event.  Your beliefs are made up of your thoughts, personal rules to live by, and meanings you attach to both internal and external triggers.  An example would be what your thoughts are and what it means to be stood up by a friend.  You could assume that your friend did it on purpose or consider that they may have a good reason for not showing up, depending on your thoughts and beliefs at the time.  

C: The consequences that accompany your beliefs about the triggering event.  Consequences can include other feelings besides anger (annoyance, sadness, jealousy, or empathy to name a few) as well as physical responses and behavior.  For example, you may feel annoyed, clench your jaw, and call up your friend to yell at them or you can remain calm and call your friend to see if everything is okay.

When we think about anger, we generally think of it as being negative however anger tells us a lot about ourselves and what underlying emotions and beliefs we may be experiencing.  For instance, fear, sadness, guilt, and shame are common primary emotions that are often masked by anger.  We can use the ABCs of anger to help us increase our self-awareness about our angry experiences and automatic responses that are not helpful, learn to challenge our thoughts and beliefs, and develop more effective strategies to manage our responses. 

Steps you can take to manage our anger more effectively using the ABCs:

1.    Increase awareness of your triggers to anger.  Consider situations that you
commonly find yourself becoming angry in. 

2.    Recognize your automatic, unhelpful thoughts, beliefs, and expectations.  These can often be called “errors in thinking” and can include: labeling, overgeneralizing, jumping to conclusions, ‘all or none’ thinking, magnification or catastrophizing, and blaming.  

3.    Challenge your unhelpful thoughts, beliefs, and expectations by asking yourself the following questions: 
•    What would someone else do in this situation?
•    Is there another way to think about what happened?
•    Is my reaction worth it?
•    Am I right to think that?
•    What are the chances of that happening?
•    How much does this matter in the bigger scheme of things?
•    Am I being realistic?

4.    Engage in self-talk to help us ‘cool down’ your angry thoughts. Some examples can include:
•    “remain calm”
•    “just breathe”
•    “it’s not worth it”
•    “don’t give them the satisfaction of seeing you angry”
•    “give the person a chance to have a say”

We have the ability to take control of our thoughts and therefore our feelings and behavior when it comes to anger.  Hopefully you find this to be reassuring and can begin to change your experiences for the better.  Try to apply the ABCs to your experiences and see what you learn about yourself as well as any positive changes you can begin to make!

~ Cory Stege, LMFT