How To Talk To Yourself To Get What You Want Out Of Life

Do you ever find yourself engaging in a running dialogue in your head?  Maybe you are thinking about what you need to get done or are focusing on something you experienced from the past and are attaching some form of opinion about these thoughts.  Have you ever noticed whether this dialogue tends to take a positive or negative form?  It can be beneficial to stop and reflect on the type of self-talk dialogue that takes place in your head since it has the power to influence your experiences.  Our conscious thoughts direct us to feel certain emotions, which in turn promotes specific behavior and habits and is the process that makes up our experiences. Our conscious thoughts also influence our subconscious mind by giving it directives to follow through on so that these thoughts become a reality.   Our subconscious is consistently working all day everyday, even when we are not aware of it, which is reason enough to use our conscious thoughts to our advantage.

Along these lines, the way we think about ourselves will determine our ability to achieve certain goals and create our experiences.  For example, if an individual engages in negative self-talk by thinking “I will never get a promotion at work”, the individual will likely experience feelings and make decisions that make this thought become a reality since the conscious mind is reinforcing this negative thought to the subconscious mind.  Likewise, if an individual tells him or herself “I deserve a promotion because of the quality of my work”, this individual will likely feel positive about who he or she is and will behave in ways that are consistent with this type of self-talk and will therefore increase the potential of receiving a promotion.  Therefore, try asking yourself whether your beliefs are helping or hurting you in getting what you want. 

The lesson here is that in order to change your life and create what you want out of it, you need to start by changing your thoughts and how you talk to yourself.   Take some time to create some powerful mantras or positive affirmations that you can memorize or post in places you frequently visit (like your bathroom mirror, refrigerator, or the rearview mirror in your car) to begin to direct your thoughts.  Some examples are: “I am skillful and qualified”, “happiness is a choice I can choose”, “my health is important”, etc. Repetition of these self-talk statements is key to ensuring that change in your thought process, feelings, and experiences takes place.  So go ahead and start talking to yourself in a positive, compassionate, and goal-oriented manner and see how your life can transform.

~Cory Stege, M.S., LMFT

Mindful Parenting

As parents, we all have ideas about what we want our children to be like and can easily get caught up these thoughts which can cause us to miss out on who are children are now as well as what is going on with them in the present.  As you can imagine, this type of mindset and parenting can have negative consequences on the parent-child relationship therefore we can strive to be more mindful in our interactions and parenting.  So what does mindful parenting mean? Mindful parenting is a concept developed by mindfulness guru Jon Kabat-Zinn and his wife Myla, who are the authors of Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting.  According to the Kabat-Zinns, practicing mindful parenting is the ability to maintain an open mind and heart with a nonjudgmental attitude while being present in the moment.  This type of parenting requires us to let go of what we want our children to be and act like and instead focus on what is going on in the here-and-now with ourselves and our children.  In other words, mindful parenting is seeing and accepting our children for who they are right now without comparing them to who and what we want them to be.

What are the benefits of mindful parenting?  Because this type of interacting requires parents to be attuned, accepted, and empathic to their children, it can positively influence the emotional and relational development in their children.  Parents who practice mindfulness with their children tend to be more emotionally balanced and present which has been shown to promote functional and grounded children into adulthood.  This means that practicing consistent mindful parenting can result in children being able to manage emotionally charged situations as they grow.  

How can we practice mindful parenting? Here are some tips you can begin to practice:

1. Increase awareness of your mind (thoughts and self-talk) and body (physical sensations)
2. React less and respond more. Reacting tends to involve automatic, mindless behaviors whereas responding involves creating space and awareness to acknowledge that there are multiple choices for how we can manage any situation.  
3. Allow your children to have some degree of physical and emotional space from you.
4. Simplify your days by not over-scheduling or being too focused on what you would like to have happen.
5. Maintain a life outside of being a parent.  
6. BREATHE!

Just like mindfulness, mindful parenting takes years of practice but can be extremely rewarding for parents and children individually and in relationship to one another.

~ Cory Stege, M.S., LMFT

Errors in Thinking: Recognize, Challenge, and Reframe

Our thoughts can be very powerful as they influence how we feel, behave, and experience each and every situation we come across.  As such, it can be extremely valuable to be able to identify, recognize, and reframe our thought patterns when they are working against us and the experiences we want to obtain.  There has been extensive literature on common thought patterns that are associated with depression, anxiety, guilt, anger, and fear and understanding what they are is the first step in bringing awareness to how we may be contributing to our own unhappiness so that we can challenge and reframe these negative thought processes.  Learn more about some of these common errors in thinking:

Black and white or all-or-nothing thinking
This thought pattern involves viewing aspects at extremes, whether it is all good or all bad or right or wrong and does not involve any consideration of gray areas.  When we think or verbalize our thoughts by using “always” or “never”, we are limiting ourselves to thinking about situations in absolute terms, which can be unrealistic.  One helpful technique that works to challenge this thought pattern is to look for exceptions to the situation.

Overgeneralizing
This cognitive distortion involves applying our thoughts, feelings, or a particular outcome in one specific situation to other areas of our lives.  An example is when we fail one test and think “I am bad at taking all tests.”  In order to challenge this thought pattern, look for situations that may discredit this, like thinking about any time you did not fail a test.

Filtering
We engage in filtering when we ignore or focus on a specific situation or feeling that is not accurate or realistic of our overall experience.  This usually involves us filtering out the good and instead focusing on the bad.  For example, we could receive positive feedback from 9 out of 10 people about our work performance however we ignore those comments and instead focus on the one negative comment and use that to decide how we feel about things.  In order to combat this cognitive distortion, focus on the facts and be realistic, which can promote a more balanced way of thinking. 

Catastrophizing
Catastrophizing occurs when we engage in worst-case-scenario-type thinking, especially if there are no realistic reasons that indicate that we should be thinking in this way. For example, not being hired after being interviewed for a job may translate to “I am never going to get hired by anyone and then I won’t be able to pay my bills and will lose everything I have.” One way to challenge this negative type of thinking is to remind yourself that there are always other possible outcomes that may result in what you want.   

Mind-reading
This type of error in thinking is all about assuming what other people are thinking or feeling.  Since we can never be 100% accurate about knowing exactly what is going on with someone else, this thought pattern can get us into trouble because it results in us thinking and behaving in ways that are not always based on reality.  This line of reasoning can be challenged by reminding ourselves about the real possibility that people may think and feel differently than how you may assume they do, even if you know someone well.

Personalization
This type of thought process involves the assumption that the world revolves around me and entails taking situations personal, even if it is not realistic.  An example is believing that a family member is upset with me because they did not call me back.  Similar to black or white or all-or-nothing thinking, this error in thinking can be challenged by reminding yourself that there may be other reasons for something happening and that it may have nothing to do with you.

Emotional Reasoning
When we feel emotional, we often think about situations and make decisions that are not always in our best interests because we believe we are being rational when oftentimes our emotions may not be based in reality. Therefore, it is always a good idea to reality check your emotions since they are not always based on facts before reacting or making any important decisions.

These are just a few examples of the types of errors in thinking or cognitive distortions we can find ourselves engaging in, so take a minute to consider whether you have noticed yourself falling into any of these thought patterns. If you are able to recognize your negative thought tendencies, try to begin to challenge your thoughts by actively seeking exceptions or times when your thinking was more positive and reality based.  Once you get into the habit of being aware of and challenging your thoughts, you will find it easier to replace them with reality-based perceptions.  Like most skills, this takes time, practice, and patience but you will find your ability to have more positive and realistic experiences to be very rewarding. 

~Cory Stege, M.S., LMFT

Self-Regulation Through Conscious Breathing

Have you ever noticed what your breathing is like when you are stressed, anxious, or panicked? It probably takes the form of being short, rapid, and shallow and associates with a rapid heartbeat, sweating, or trembling sensations.  Now think about what your breathing is typically like when you are feeling calm and relaxed.  Hopefully you notice that your breaths are longer, slower, and deeper and is associated with relaxed muscles and normal heart rate.  Since breathing is an automatic process for us, we generally do not pay attention to it however we can experience many benefits physically, emotionally, and mentally if we make a conscious effort to focus on and manipulate it.  

So how does conscious breathing work?  Our bodies can never be in a state of tension and relaxation at the same time therefore when we consciously direct and manipulate our breathing we activate our parasympathetic nervous system, which promotes relaxation and receptivity and this causes us to deactivate our sympathetic nervous system, which is our fight or flight response.  By focusing on taking deep, slow, and long breaths, we are able to send messages to our mind and body that influences us to feel calm, soothed, and re-energized.  

There are many different types of conscious breathing exercises we can practice however I have included two simple techniques that you can implement into your daily activities:

Equal breathing:

Sit or stand in a comfortable position and close your eyes to help block out any distractions. Take a deep inhale through your nose for a count of four and then exhale through your mouth for a count of four.  Repeat this sequence 4-5 times.

Abdominal breathing:

Again, sit or stand in a comfortable position and close your eyes to help block out any distractions.  Place one of your hands on your chest and your other hand on your stomach.  Inhale deeply through your nose and ensure that your diaphragm inflates, not your chest, so that air is moving through your lungs. Exhale through your mouth and repeat this sequence 6-8 times for one minute.

One of the greatest benefits of using our breath as a coping skill and self-regulation tool is that we can do it anywhere and at any time and it only takes seconds to minutes for us to experience results.  Incorporating simple breathing exercises into our daily routines by creating rituals can help increase our awareness, relax our mind and body, help us tackle the stressors of our day more effectively, as well as deepen our positive experiences by being more mindful in the moment.  

~ Cory Stege, M.S., LMFT  

Tips For Improving Your Sleep Hygiene

Sleep is one of the most essential keys to maintaining our overall wellbeing and health and without it we can experience other problems.  Getting enough sleep helps us restore our physical, emotional, and mental states which is fundamental to our ability to function every day.  There are some practices and habits we can establish and engage in on a daily basis that can help promote good quality sleep.   Here are some recommendations we can follow:

•    Maintain a regular sleep-wake cycle 7 days a week.  This means establishing a schedule in     which you go to bed and wake up at the same time every day.
•    Avoid napping during the day.
•    Avoid consumption of stimulants such as caffeine, alcohol, or nicotine too close to bedtime.
•    Engage in regular exercise or physical activity in the morning or late afternoon and avoid doing so too close to bedtime. 
•    Avoid eating large meals or drinking a lot of liquids too close to bedtime.
•    Obtain exposure to natural light throughout the day.
•    Clear your mind before bed.  This means to avoid engaging in upsetting conversations or thoughts.  Breathing exercises or taking a hot bath or shower can be helpful tools to get you into a relaxed state.
•    Keep electronics out of your bed (no cell phone, computer, or T.V.) This helps you to associate your bed with sleep.
•    Create a comfortable and relaxing environment in your bedroom, which includes temperature, decorations, lighting, and sound.
•    Avoid watching the clock if you cannot sleep. Instead, get up and do something that may tire you.

Depending on our needs, schedule, and stress level among other factors, our sleep-wake schedule will vary from person to person however it is important for us to find out what strategies, habits, and practices work best for us. The key is consistency and sticking with your healthy hygiene practices even if you experience a night or two of poor sleep.  There are many benefits to maintaining healthy sleep hygiene as well as many consequences to not doing so.  Try out some of the above tips and don’t hesitate to reach out for professional help if you are struggling with any ongoing sleep issues. 

~ Cory Stege, M.S., LMFT

What Is Mindfulness?

Do you ever notice that your mind is on autopilot and that your thoughts have a tendency to run wherever they want even if you don’t want them to? Most of us human beings spend a significant amount of time either focusing on events from the past or worrying about the future which is one reason why so many of us suffer from symptoms of anxiety, depression, and other mental health conditions.  We find ourselves living in our automatic thoughts which are often misidentified to us as reality.  This can take the form of having a negative view of self and the world even if this view is not accurate and we often miss out on the true reality of what is actually happening in the here and now because today is the future event we have always been focusing on.  

So how do we manage these automatic thoughts and emotions so that we are able to heal, transform, and find peacefulness within ourselves?  The answer is simple however it is one of the most difficult skills we can develop: mindfulness.  According to John Kabat-Zinn, the author of Wherever You Go There You Are (1994),  mindfulness is being able to “pay attention on purpose and with intention to the present moment without any judgment.” In other words, mindfulness equates to having awareness of our thoughts, feelings, and senses without having an agenda.  Having awareness is to know as well as to not know and requires us to work with things as they are instead of trying to change or fix them.

One exercise that promotes this awareness is conducting a body scan: take a moment to notice what feelings and sensations you are currently experiencing starting in your toes, calves, knees, thighs, hips, abdomen, chest, shoulders, neck, cheeks, eyes, and scalp.  Then notice what types of thoughts you are having as you try to focus on your body and allow yourself to just sit there for a few seconds and focus on your breathing. If any judgmental thoughts or worries come into your mind, allow yourself to let them go and bring your attention back to your body.  

Another exercise that promotes mindfulness involves the simple act of eating an apple.  Using all five of your senses, notice what the apple looks like (color, shape, size, etc.); how does it feel against your fingers as well as when you take a bite and chew it? Does it smell like anything?  What sound does it make when you bite into it? What does it taste like? This sounds easy however the challenge comes in when you notice what other thoughts pop into your mind and being able to let go of them and just be in the moment.

Once these skills are developed, we can apply them to situations and events that cause us to feel stressed, depressed, or anxious so that we feel more at peace and satisfied. The more we are able to intentionally check in with ourselves without having expectations or judgments, the better our ability will be to manage the balancing act between our thoughts and feelings.  In short, the goal of mindfulness is to shift our focus from doing to being; after all we are called human beings for a reason.  

~ Cory Stege, M.S., LMFT

Active Listening

One of the most valuable and important communication skills we can master is listening.  We have two ears and one mouth for a reason!  Listening does not just mean to hear what other people are saying but rather it involves the ability to hear, understand, acknowledge, and provide appropriate feedback.  Oftentimes we think we are listening to what someone is saying but instead we are really thinking about what our response is going to be, which causes us to misunderstand what is being communicated and can lead to conflict.   However, active listening does not come naturally to most of us and requires conscious effort and practice but can result in many benefits if we are able to develop and use this skill.  Here are some steps you can take to develop and practice the art of active listening:

1.     Focus your attention on the speaker.  This means that you need to block out all other distractions so that all of your attention is directed at the person who is talking to you.  Try to minimize any thoughts, side conversations, or other stimuli in the environment so that your focus and attention are in one place. This step involves non-verbal communication such as direct eye contact. 

2.     Exhibit signs that you are listening. This means that you are showing the person you are talking to that you can hear what they are saying by nodding your head, maintaining an open body posture, smiling or demonstrating other facial cues, and expressing verbal cues such as “I see” or “uh-huh”.  This sends the message to the person speaking that you are present and involved in the conversation.

3.     Reflect back what you hear.  We can let people know that we heard and understood what they are saying without having to agree/disagree or give our opinion by simply repeating or paraphrasing to them what we heard them say.  Using the phrase “what I heard you say” or “you are saying…” promotes acknowledgment and a sense of understanding. We can also ask clarifying questions if we did not understand or need statements to be repeated.  The goal of this step is to receive confirmation from the person speaking that your reflection is accurate. This step does not involve your response to what was said.

4.     Allow the speaker to complete his/her thoughts and do not interrupt. It can be extremely frustrating to try to talk to someone who cuts you off or interjects his/her own thoughts when you are in the middle of expressing yourself. Before you express your opinion about what was just communicated to you, allow the person to fully complete what he/she said and acknowledge it by following the previous steps so that when it is your time to talk, it will promote the other person to reciprocate by actively listening to you.

5.     Use assertiveness skills to respond.  Once there is mutual agreement that you have accurately heard and understand what was communicated to you, it is time for you to appropriately provide your thoughts and feelings by being open, respectful, and honest through the use of “I” statements.  This is where the saying “treat others the way you want to be treated” comes into play.

Try practicing these skills in your interactions with your partner, spouse, friends, family members, and work relationships.  If done correctly, you will find that being an effective listener makes conversations with other people more enjoyable by minimizing misunderstandings and conflict and promoting empathy, understanding, and openness. 

~ Cory Stege, M.S. LMFT

Establishing a Self-Care Plan

Self-care involves our conscious efforts and actions that focus on taking care of our physical, emotional, and mental well being.  Engaging in self-care can often be challenging  especially during times when it is needed the most.  However self-care is a necessary skill and activity that we must be able to engage in so that we can function at work, home, and in our relationships.  Some individuals may consider self-care to be selfish however we need to be selfish at times because we cannot take care of others or certain tasks if we are neglecting ourselves.  Using the analogy of the safety information when we fly can be helpful to think about: we must put on our own oxygen mask before putting one on others because what use will we be to others if we cannot breathe on our own?

Engaging in self care activities during times of stress, change, loss, or trauma is extremely important however we may find it overwhelming to have to use energy to engage in intentional actions focused on ourselves.  It can be helpful to figure out what activities nourish our physical, emotional, and mental selves when we are not in crisis or feeling stressed so that when we do face those challenging times, we will already have a plan in place.  Here are some suggestions you may consider for coming up with your own self care plan:

Physical self care activities:

• Engage in a healthy diet and eat three square meals a day.
• Engage in some form of physical activity or exercise; walking just 20-30 minutes a day can do wonders and has been shown to decrease depression and chronic health problems.
• Establish healthy sleep hygiene. Do not drink caffeine or exercise too close to the time you want to go to bed. Create a consistent sleep-wake schedule and aim to get 7-10 hours of sleep at night.
• Receive medical care when it is necessary. Don’t wait until it is an emergency; rather consider ways you can be preventative.

Mental self care activities :

• Establish a ritual to write in a journal on a regular basis to help you process the challenges and positive experiences of your day.
• Practice mindfulness, meditation, or relaxation exercises.  Simple breathing exercises can help us circulate oxygen to our brain which can help ground us and promote a clear head.
• Seek counseling services to address stressors and/or ongoing concerns.

Emotional self care activities

• Initiate regular contact with individuals in your support network to prevent isolation.
• Be aware of your limits and set healthy boundaries at work and in your relationships.
• Engage in pleasurable and enjoyable activities on a regular basis, whether it is alone or with other people.

Self care only occurs when we make conscious decisions to engage in it therefore we need to learn how to make it a priority since it will not happen on its own.  Individuals who engage in ongoing self care activities on a regular basis find that they are less likely to become stressed, are able to manage challenging situations effectively, are less likely to become physically ill and experience anxiety and depression, and typically feel more satisfied with their relationships.  Try our some of the suggestions above or contact us to help you develop your own self care plan.

~ Cory Stege, M.S., LMFT

Understanding Your Communication Style

Communication is the most important tool we can use to express ourselves and meet our needs.  However, the way we communicate our needs can greatly influence how other people experience us and thus, determines whether our needs may be met. 

There are 4 general styles of communication that we each tend to engage in and three of the styles are considered to be unhealthy and ineffective whereas one type of communication helps us clearly express ourselves so that we are able to meet our needs without being at the expense of other people.  Here are the four styles of communication:

Passive communication: This style of communication involves the avoidance of expression of one’s thoughts, feelings, or needs as a result of feeling like it is not worth it.  Individuals who possess low self-esteem or have a tendency to avoid conflict generally exhibit this style of communication and can be exhibited through poor eye contact and a closed body posture, quiet or soft speech, and a willingness to allow other people to infringe on his/her rights, whether it is deliberate or inadvertent.  Some of the negative consequences of engaging in this style of communication include anxiety, feelings of lack of control, hopelessness, depression, resentment, and lack of resolution of ongoing issues.

Aggressive communication: This style of communication is also used by individuals who often possess low self-esteem however it involves violating the rights of other people in order for individuals to get their needs met.  This style of communication can take the form of verbal or physical abuse in order to dominate, control, or intimidate other people. Individuals who use aggressive communication send the message that they believe they are superior to others and is exhibited through blaming, criticizing, and attacking; the use of a loud tone of voice; frequent interrupting and inability to listen well; impulsiveness; and a threatening body posture.  Some of the negative consequences of engaging in aggressive communication involve alienation from others, inability to resolve ongoing issues due to constant blaming, and the development of fear and hatred in other people.

Passive-Aggressive communication: This style of communication is a combination of the two previous styles and involves engaging in aggressive behavior in an indirect way.  Individuals who engage in this style of communication may appear to be passive however he/she is actually feeling angry, powerless, and resentful and he/she feels unable to directly address their concerns.  This style of communication is exhibited through sarcasm and incongruent body language (smiling when angry).  Some of the negative consequences of engaging in this style of communication involve persistent feelings of powerlessness, as well as alienation from others and lack of resolution of ongoing issues.

Assertive communication: This style of communication is the most effective and healthiest form of expression we can engage in because it leaves us feeling satisfied about our ability to get our needs met without alienating others.  Individuals who engage in this style of communication generally have high self-esteem and are able to clearly and directly state his/her thoughts, feelings, and needs in a respectful way so that other people are open to it.  This style of communication is exhibited by the use of “I” statements, effective listening, self-control, appropriate eye contact, an open body posture, and a calm and clear tone of voice.  Some of the outcomes individuals experience with this style of communication includes feelings of connection with other people, a sense of control over his/her life, and an ability to resolve issues.  Respect, confidence, and responsibility of self are the primary actions within assertiveness.  This style of communication allows us to advocate for ourselves, which is a crucial aspect of self-care.

Now that you have learned the different communication styles, take a minute to reflect on the patterns of communication you find yourself engaging in frequently.  If it is passive, aggressive, or passive-aggressive communication, consider whether these styles are working for you or whether you feel your needs are not being met and your relationships are being negatively impacted.  If you feel you could benefit from making changes to your communication style and want to develop and practice assertiveness skills, contact one of our therapists today.

~ Cory Stege, M.S., LMFT

The ABCs of Anger Management

Who is the one person who always seems to make you angry?  I’m sure right now you can think of your spouse, employer, children, friend, colleague, or other family member.  However, this is a trick question because the only person who has the power to make you feel angry is YOURSELF.  I bet you are wondering how that makes any sense.  The answer to that is that you are the only person who has the power, control, and decision-making ability to allow yourself to be affected by a person or situation.  Therefore, anger is not caused by a situation but rather it is the result of how you think about the event. One way we can gain insight and learn to develop more effective anger management techniques is through the ABCs of anger:

A: The antecedent or anger trigger.  This is the event or situation that has occurred and has potential to affect you in some way. Being stood up by a friend for lunch is an example of an antecedent or triggering event.

B: Your beliefs about the antecedent or event.  Your beliefs are made up of your thoughts, personal rules to live by, and meanings you attach to both internal and external triggers.  An example would be what your thoughts are and what it means to be stood up by a friend.  You could assume that your friend did it on purpose or consider that they may have a good reason for not showing up, depending on your thoughts and beliefs at the time.  

C: The consequences that accompany your beliefs about the triggering event.  Consequences can include other feelings besides anger (annoyance, sadness, jealousy, or empathy to name a few) as well as physical responses and behavior.  For example, you may feel annoyed, clench your jaw, and call up your friend to yell at them or you can remain calm and call your friend to see if everything is okay.

When we think about anger, we generally think of it as being negative however anger tells us a lot about ourselves and what underlying emotions and beliefs we may be experiencing.  For instance, fear, sadness, guilt, and shame are common primary emotions that are often masked by anger.  We can use the ABCs of anger to help us increase our self-awareness about our angry experiences and automatic responses that are not helpful, learn to challenge our thoughts and beliefs, and develop more effective strategies to manage our responses. 

Steps you can take to manage our anger more effectively using the ABCs:

1.    Increase awareness of your triggers to anger.  Consider situations that you
commonly find yourself becoming angry in. 

2.    Recognize your automatic, unhelpful thoughts, beliefs, and expectations.  These can often be called “errors in thinking” and can include: labeling, overgeneralizing, jumping to conclusions, ‘all or none’ thinking, magnification or catastrophizing, and blaming.  

3.    Challenge your unhelpful thoughts, beliefs, and expectations by asking yourself the following questions: 
•    What would someone else do in this situation?
•    Is there another way to think about what happened?
•    Is my reaction worth it?
•    Am I right to think that?
•    What are the chances of that happening?
•    How much does this matter in the bigger scheme of things?
•    Am I being realistic?

4.    Engage in self-talk to help us ‘cool down’ your angry thoughts. Some examples can include:
•    “remain calm”
•    “just breathe”
•    “it’s not worth it”
•    “don’t give them the satisfaction of seeing you angry”
•    “give the person a chance to have a say”

We have the ability to take control of our thoughts and therefore our feelings and behavior when it comes to anger.  Hopefully you find this to be reassuring and can begin to change your experiences for the better.  Try to apply the ABCs to your experiences and see what you learn about yourself as well as any positive changes you can begin to make!

~ Cory Stege, LMFT