Marriage Maintenance

Like most objects or possessions that we aim to keep in good condition so that they will last a long time, marriage requires conscious attention and upkeep on a routine basis in order to reap the benefits of it.  Along the same lines, the things we tend to find the most rewarding and valuable in life are related to the hard work and effort we put into them, one of which is marriage.  Usually whatever we put into something is what we will get out of it therefore the more we can nurture and tend to our relationships, the more fulfilling they will be.  Likewise, if we neglect to check in and make adjustments as needed, our relationships will eventually reach their expiration date sooner than expected.  Just like we take our cars in for service or go to medical check-ups to make sure everything is running smoothly, there are some steps we can take in order to regularly maintain our marriages:

1.     Take a Temperature of Your Marriage.  Make an effort to check in with your spouse on a regular basis by identifying what is going well as well as areas of improvement.  This offers couples opportunities to make adjustments as well as address any concerns that can prevent bigger problems down the road.

2.     Maintain regular and ongoing communication. Make it a priority to talk with your spouse during the day in order to promote feelings of connection as well as identify and problem solve any issues that come up in the moment.  Allowing an irritation or complaint to build and go unaddressed is a recipe for resentment and marital problems. 

3.     Clarify expectations and modify as needed.  Couples who engage in regular conversations about what they expect of themselves and from one another tend to experience less conflict than couples who do not talk about expectations.  Couples can start out by respectfully requesting what needs each partner looks to be met in the marriage and then facilitate a negotiation of expectations in order to make it work for both partners.  Some areas of expectations couples are encouraged to talk about regularly are finances, household tasks, parenting, boundaries, and intimacy.

4.     Anticipate and plan for Disagreements.  It is inevitable that couples will disagree from time to time so being aware of “hot” topics or sources of potential conflict can be helpful in managing them when they do happen. In addition, couples should discuss specific tools or strategies that can be used to promote respectful communication and conflict resolution. 

5.     Balance alone time with couple time.  Having too much of or too little of one thing can be a bad thing, which goes along with how time is spent in a marriage.  In order to maintain feelings of connection as well as promote time to take care of individual needs (which includes spending time with others outside of our marriage), couples should discuss how each partner can have time and space to themselves as well as plan time that will be spent together.  As the saying goes, “distance makes the heart grow fonder” however couples need to agree on setting appropriate boundaries around time spent apart in order gain the most benefits. 

Oftentimes couples can struggle with the maintenance process and seek out professional help for support and assistance.  Marriage counseling can provide couples with new ways of thinking and relating within a relationship as well as offer effective tools and strategies to promote feelings of connection and satisfaction. 

~ Cory Stege, M.S., LMFT

Rules To Fair Fighting

It is inevitable that disagreements and conflict exists in our relationships due to the simple fact that as individuals, we each carry our own thoughts, feelings, beliefs, preferences, and styles of communication. Because of our individuality, there is potential for differences to arise in our significant relationships, which can offer opportunities for growth and connection or result in arguments, tension, and disconnection depending on how we manage these differences.   The good news is that there are some guidelines we can follow to promote the former when concerns within our relationships are brought to our attention. 

·      Think before you speak.  Before you broach a subject or verbalize a concern or complaint to your partner, take some time to really think about and evaluate the reason you are feeling upset.  Try to determine if the reason is related to any patterns that are worth addressing or if the reason is simply related to you having a bad day.

·      Tackle one issue at a time.  It can be easy to bring up multiple concerns at once when we have the floor to express ourselves however this just compounds the problems and makes reaching a resolution for each issue more challenging.   Instead, hold yourself accountable to dealing with one issue at a time and make note of the other concerns that can be addressed when the time is right.

·      Attack the issue at hand, not the person. Avoid engaging in criticism, contempt, and other degrading language.  These damaging forms of communication prevent the issue from being addressed and instead escalate conflict as a result of making a partner feel bad by attacking his or her character. 

·      Take responsibility for your feelings by using “I” statements.  We tend to automatically go on the defensive when someone we are talking with starts off by using “you”.  “You” statements tend to be blaming and send the message that “you are the problem, not me.”  In order to help your partner be open to hearing what you have to say, identify and own the feeling you are having in relation to a situation that upset you.  For example, “I felt hurt when you lied to me” versus “you made me angry because you lied.” 

·      Actively listen and take turns talking.  Talking about emotionally charged subjects can make it difficult to refrain from engaging in interrupting however that only makes matters worse.  Instead, listen to what your partner is saying and reflect back to them what you heard them say before you respond.  This helps prevent misunderstandings and sends the message that you heard and understand what was said.  For couples who struggle with taking turns, using a timer can help add structure to the conversation and allow time for each partner to speak.

·      Maintain an appropriate volume and tone of voice and take a time out when needed.  Yelling at or ignoring your partner when you are feeling upset may feel rewarding temporarily however these problematic forms of communication just add to the conflict.  If you start to notice that the conversation is becoming heated, take a time out and be sure to identify how long the time out will be as well as be mindful about how the time out will be used. Avoid engaging in behaviors or activities that will be counterproductive to de-escalating. Then reconvene at the time you agreed to so that the issue can continue to be addressed in a calm manner.

·      Consider whether there are solutions to moving forward.  Sometimes disagreements or conflict cannot be solved but rather just acknowledged and understood by each partner.  However, try to focus on any possible positive solutions that can promote resolution for both partners and come to a compromise so that it works for the couple.

When couples are able to take time and the necessary steps to effectively navigate differences and conflict, it can strengthen the relationship.   Conflict can actually be healthy if partners are able to view the process as an opportunity to learn and grow from one another.   The next time you or your partner verbalizes a concern about your relationship, embrace this opportunity to grow by applying these guidelines to the issue at hand.

~ Cory Stege, M.S., LMFT

Four Predictors of Divorce and How To Combat Them

There are many common factors associated with divorce, including problems related to finances, sex, and infidelity however the way couple’s communicate and cope with these problems are what can destroy a marriage and lead to divorce.  Through his experience and research with couples, renowned author and marriage therapist Dr. John Gottman has identified four dysfunctional and problematic behaviors that lead to divorce when couple’s engage in and don’t get a handle on them.  In his book “Why Marriages Succeed or Fail and How to Make Yours Last” (1997), Dr. Gottman termed these toxic behaviors “The Four Horsemen of The Apocalypse” because of the harmful effect they have on relationships.  Learn about what these relationship-killers look like:

Criticism
Instead of focusing on a specific behavior that one partner finds problematic in his/her partner, criticism involves attacking a partner’s character and the core of who the person is. As you can imagine, being criticized can result in feelings of despair, hurt, and rejection.  When criticism occurs on a regular basis, it has the tendency to intensify in both frequency and intensity and can leave a partner feeling emotionally assaulted. 

Contempt
Partners who are contemptuous towards one another harbor negative feelings about one another and express it through a position of superiority via blatant disrespect and mean and hurtful comments. Contempt is exhibited through name-calling, sarcasm, passive aggression, mocking, and ridiculing. This form of communication can leave partners feeling worthless, unloved, and loathed in their marriage. Dr. Gottman has found through his research that couples who engage in contemptuous behavior tend to experience a weakened immune system resulting in them experiencing more illnesses and diseases.  According to Dr. Gottman, the presence of contempt in a relationship is the number one predictor of divorce because of how damaging it can be. 

Defensiveness
This behavior is a form of putting blame on a partner when one partner feels unjustly attacked or accused of something.  Partners who engage in defensiveness provide excuses in hopes that their partner will back down however this strategy is never effective because it can send the message that “you’re the problem, not me.” Generally this form of communication just breeds conflict and makes reaching a resolution that much more challenging. 

Stonewalling
This problematic behavior occurs when a partner chooses to avoid addressing concerns in his/her relationship and instead shuts down and withdraws from his/her partner.  Stonewalling can take the form of ignoring, tuning out, and focusing on other tasks when one partner is trying to engage in a conversation or interaction.  This lack of response is a response in itself and sends the message that what a partner is saying is not important enough to give attention to.   

One of the first steps in being able to combat the four horsemen is to recognize if and when they are present in a couple’s interactions.  However, just having awareness of these toxic behaviors is not enough to eliminate them but rather requires couples to replace them with healthier forms of communication.  Below about some strategies that can challenge and reduce the presence of the four horsemen in a relationship:

Criticism
In order to prevent attacking a partner’s character when a concern arises, practice engaging in expressing complaints about a behavior without blaming the partner.  This can be done by using “I” statements instead of “you” statements in order to verbalize a positive need based on how a partner is feeling.  

Contempt
Eliminating contempt in a relationship requires the replacement of negative feelings about a partner with positive feelings.  To do this, partners need to establish a sense of respect and appreciation for one another by highlighting and verbalizing actions, traits, and situations that are considered positive.  One exercise that helps to promote this involves identifying 5 positive traits for every 1 complaint a partner has about his/her partner.

Defensiveness
Defensiveness entails placing blame on the other person when feeling criticized or attacked therefore one strategy that can be used to avoid engaging in this behavior is to take responsibility for each partner’s role in the conflict. 

Stonewalling
Generally partners engage in stonewalling as a result of feeling overwhelmed or flooded with conflict and the presence of the three other horsemen.  Because withdrawing and shutting down are damaging responses to a relationship, couples should aim to acknowledge when a partner is becoming flooded and request to take a time out in order to self-soothe.  The time out should be used productively by engaging in activities that promote relaxation or distraction, not using the time to ruminate on negative thoughts or feelings of helplessness.  

As previously mentioned, criticism, contempt, stonewalling, and defensiveness are extremely damaging behaviors to a relationship and often lead to divorce.  However, couples don’t have to fall prey to these dysfunctional patterns of interactions and can instead learn to become aware of when the four horsemen are present and begin to replace them with positive and healthier choices.

~ Cory Stege, M.S., LMFT

How To Navigate A Trial Separation

Many couples who feel they have tried everything to improve their relationship and resolve ongoing issues while continuing to live together often turn to the option of a trial separation.  Although this option may seem like it is one step closer to the end of a relationship or divorce, a trial separation actually has the potential to improve relationships and promote growth if it is implemented in an effective manner.  Trial separations can provide couples with time and space apart so that an objective process of clarification and evaluation of the relationship can take place without the ongoing tension that tends to exist while couples live together.  Trial separations also allows couples to remain married while gaining a better understanding of the emotional and financial implications of a potential divorce.  

It is important to acknowledge that many individuals considering separation experience anxiety and fear about the relationship ending, especially for the partner who is not initiating it.  However there are some steps couples can take to make this process work towards their benefit as well as some factors to avoid in order to help prevent the end of a relationship.  Below are some do’s and don’ts to help implement an effective trial separation:

DO:

Establish a time frame for how long the separation will last before either partner makes a decision about the relationship. This tends to be anywhere from 3 months to a year.

Negotiate the terms of the separation so that the needs of both partners are met.  Some terms that should be considered include expectations regarding the frequency of physical and verbal contact with one another, boundaries with other people, whether intimacy will take place, how finances will be managed, and where both partners will be living.

If children are involved, establish a co-parenting plan and discuss how the separation will be explained to the children.

Maintain ongoing and open communication that focuses on listening and problem solving.

Participate in couples counseling during the length of the separation.

Individually work on behaviors and problems that contribute to relationship issues.

Seek legal and financial advice together.

DON’T:

Focus on who is to blame for relationship issues.

Make impulsive decisions when feeling emotional.

Alter the terms of the separation without the agreement of each partner.

Start a new relationship.

Worry about what other people will think.

Talk about your partner in a negative way to children or other family members.

Go behind your partner’s back to seek legal or financial advice or make a decision to file for divorce.

Couples who are able to agree to and implement a well thought out plan to separate for a temporary period of time have potential to save and strengthen their relationships. However, if couples determine that their relationship is not worth saving after they have taken the above steps, the stress of divorce can be lessened since the majority of the groundwork for figuring out the implications and logistics has been laid during this process.  

~ Cory Stege, M.S., LMFT

Politics and Relationships: How To Manage Our Differences

With the upcoming presidential election upon us, it seems appropriate to address the impact our political beliefs can have on our relationships.  Politics has always been known to be a “hot” topic and the majority of us have a tendency to avoid the topic all together with friends, family, or significant others who we know carry different beliefs and viewpoints than ourselves.  For those of us who are daring enough to breach the topic with other people, we may find that it can lead to disagreements, rifts, and negative feelings towards others if we don’t approach the topic in an effective manner.  Because politics is currently a relevant topic for the majority of Americans right now, we should hope to be able to openly share our ideas and carry conversations with those we are close with without it negatively impacting these relationships. So here are some do’s and don’ts that can be helpful in talking about politics with our loved ones:

DO:

1. Practice active listening.  This means that we are interested in what other people are sharing by           acknowledging and reflecting back to them that you hear and understand.  This does not mean         that by acknowledging you are agreeing with them; rather it sends the message that you are               open and inviting to what others are saying.
2. Ask open-ended and clarifying questions.  
3. Remember that political viewpoints are based on each individual’s interpretations of facts as well as         are closely connected to our sense of identify.
4. Practice respect and empathy. Try to put yourself in the other’s person’s shoes to gain a better               understanding of where they are coming from.
5. Agree to disagree.  This means we need to know when a conversation needs to end and                 remember that our relationships with our loved ones are more important than proving a point           or feeling the need to “win” a debate.
6. Highlight commonalities when possible.
7. Be aware of the goal of the conversation.

DON’T:

1. Engage in selective listening.  This type of listening and communication serves the purpose of               just looking for an opportunity to disagree and can be unproductive.
2. Tell others that their beliefs and viewpoints are wrong.  This approach rarely results in getting                 other people to change their minds and just breeds defensiveness and conflict.  
3. Impose your political beliefs onto others.  No one likes to be told what to do or how to think.
4. Take someone’s difference in beliefs and viewpoints personally.
5. Bring up politics solely to vent your frustration on a specific topic or issue.

Like any sensitive or important topic, we can learn to be mindful and take steps to be able to talk about it so that our relationships are not negatively impacted.  Following these steps can create opportunities for connection, growth, and education and can allow for enjoyable and rewarding conversations.

~ Cory Stege, M.S., LMFT

The Impact Social Media Has On Intimate Partner Relationships

There is no doubt that the internet and social media has changed the ways we manage our lives, both personally and professionally.  It is also safe to say that social media has greatly influenced our relationships and has allowed us to connect with more people than we may otherwise would without it.  Social media is a convenient way to share information and offers immediate gratification, which can boost self-esteem and decrease feelings of loneliness.

However, social media also has its downsides and has been shown to be one of the main factors associated with conflict in relationships as well as is one of the leading causes of divorce.  So what aspects of social media contribute to this negative trend in our relationships? For one, individuals have a tendency to overestimate levels of intimacy on social media, which is often inaccurate for our real-life relationships.  As human beings, we crave in-person intimacy, which is required to nurture our long-term relationships. Therefore, online relationships cannot be a substitute for real-life, face-to-face connections. With the age of mobile devices, social media can be accessed on-demand whenever and wherever we are however this can lead to ignoring of the people in our physical presence.  The more time we spend on social media, the less time we have to be with and spend quality time with our intimate partners.  

Social media has also been found to be sources of temptation, drama, and jealousy in our relationships. Most of us only share details about our lives that are positive or attractive, which can lead us to compare ourselves and our partners to others.  This creates the perception that “the grass is always greener” and influences us to believe that we can find someone who is more attractive, successful, etc. than our partner.  Because social media allows us to connect with people we normally would not have the opportunity to meet in-person, it can make it easy to develop and maintain relationships that may be inappropriate for someone who is already in a committed intimate relationship. With this comes the potential of lying and infidelity, which are both catalysts to problems in our relationships.

So what can we do to avoid falling into the pitfalls of social media and instead find a balance with it so that we can nurture our real-life relationships? First and foremost, we can establish boundaries around our social media use.  This includes limiting the amount of time we spend online, especially when we are in the presence of others.  We can also increase our awareness of reasons we seek to connect with others online and be honest with ourselves about the purpose these connections have for us.  Lastly, we can continue to put in as much or more time and effort into growing and maintaining our in-person relationships.  

~ Cory Stege, M.S., LMFT

Surviving Infidelity

Infidelity can be experienced in many forms within a relationship since every couple is different and every individual carries his or her own definition of betrayal.  Therefore depending on the couple and the individuals within it, infidelity can be considered to be an emotional connection, online communication and relationships, or physical and sexual relationships with others outside of the primary partnership. Because the definition can vary, it is important for couples to share with one another how each partner views infidelity and expectations within their relationship.

Just like the definition, there are various possible reasons for why infidelity may occur within a relationship.  Some of these reasons include a lack of communication of physical and emotional needs; lack of affection; lack of caring or fond feelings between partners; mental health symptoms and disorders; physical problems; addiction and substance abuse; and ongoing unresolved relationship issues. 

Once infidelity within a relationship has been discovered, it can be expected for the partners to experience anger, hurt, sadness, depression, remorse, embarrassment, guilt, shame, resentment, and betrayal. Because these emotions can be powerful and intense, it is important for each partner within a couple to refrain from making any major decisions until adequate time has been given to allow for processing and clarification about what is needed to heal from the infidelity.  Here are some helpful steps couples can take to promote healing after a betrayal:

Partner who engaged in infidelity:
1.    Be open to actively listening to your partner about the effect the betrayal has on him or her without blaming or becoming defensive.
2.    Demonstrate to your partner that you can trustworthy by following through with your intentions to re-establish commitment and trust.
3.    Be an open book with your partner by sharing and answering any details and questions he or she may have about the infidelity.
4.    Take responsibility for your actions and be willing to look at and consider reasons you engaged in the infidelity.

Partner who was betrayed by infidelity
1.    Focus on your basic needs (sleep, diet, exercise, support network) in order to take care of yourself during this difficult time.
2.    Clarify with yourself what information you want to know about the infidelity before asking your partner since knowing too many details may be overwhelming and traumatizing. 
3.    Don’t blame yourself and regain trust in your sense of self by focusing on your strengths and resiliencies.
4.    Be willing to consider your role in any ongoing or current relationship problems. Remember, this does not mean that you are to blame or are responsible for the infidelity. 
5.    Give yourself time to forgive your partner and know that there is no time frame for it since every couple and individual is different.
6.    Prevent yourself from engaging in behavior that you may regret later on because of the strong emotions you may experience.  

Couples who are generally able to successfully heal, recover, and strengthen their relationship following infidelity are able to be realistic and patient about the process as well as be open and honest about each partner’s role and responsibility in any prior and underlying relationship issues.  These couples also have the ability to recognize any positive efforts each partner may be making to rebuild trust.  Therapy is highly recommended for any couple who may be experiencing infidelity as it can provide a safe and supportive environment in order to navigate through this oftentimes painful and difficult process. 

~ Cory Stege, M.S., LMFT
 

Five Steps To Resolving Conflict

Conflict can be very stressful and harmful to our mental, physical, and emotional health if we do not manage it appropriately however we can develop skills and tools that can be effective in managing it in order to minimize its effect on us.  Whether we experience ongoing conflict at home with our family, have an argument with a friend, or continue to clash with a coworker, being able to take the appropriate steps to resolving conflict is key to our health and relationships.  Here are five steps that we can take to promote effective conflict resolution:

1. Identify the source of the conflict.

Each involved party should share his/her perspective of what is causing the conflict.  This should include identifying when the problem began and if there was a triggering event.  Oftentimes conflict arises as a result of underlying feelings, expectations, or actions that we  may experience and allow to build but are not uncovered until there is a triggering event.  What one party thinks is the problem may be very different from how the the other party views the situation and can turn into attacking behavior. 

2.  Consider the other party's perspective.    

It is a myth that acknowledging someone else's perspective means you agree with it.  The ability to put our own thoughts and feelings aside and instead LISTEN to the other person and acknowledge what they said can do wonders in managing conflict.  When we feel heard and understood we are more open to hearing the perspective of others, especially when it is different from our own perspective. This can help decrease anger and resentment and promote solution-oriented thinking.

3. Brainstorm possible solutions.

Once agreement has been reached about what the actual identified issue or source of conflict is, all involved parties should each identify possible solutions that he/she believes will promote resolution. This step involves focusing on the present and what each party wants to have happen instead of hashing the past.  

4. Identify the possible solutions that each party can agree to support.

Once all of the possible solutions have been considered from each party, a discussion should take place in which each party is encouraged to acknowledge which solution(s) he/she is willing to consider implementing other than the solution they themselves identified.                                               

5. Agree on a solution and begin to implement it.

Now that possible solutions have been narrowed down to the ones each party is willing to implement, an agreement needs to take place involving the most acceptable solution for everyone involved.  Once an agreement is made about which solution is the most appropriate, each party involved should identify what he/she is going to do to implement the solution and prevent future conflict from arising.

These steps can be a helpful guide for managing conflict effectively however we often experience situations in which it seems like outside support may be the best option.  An objective third party such as a mediator or therapist can assist with this process; therefore if you or someone you know could benefit from additional support in this area, contact Evolve Psychotherapy today.

~ Cory Stege, M.S., LMFT

Ten Topics To Discuss In Pre-Marital Counseling

There are many benefits to couples participating in counseling prior to getting married even if there are no red flags or concerns within the relationship.  Pre-marital counseling provides couples with an opportunity to identify, discuss, and negotiate important topics and aspects of a relationship so that the couples are better equipped to manage differences or conflict that may arise after they say ‘I do’.  Here are 10 topics that couples should talk about:

1.     Expectations of Yourself and Your Partner Regarding Roles and Responsibilities

Every couple is different when it comes to how they prefer to run and manage their household and gender roles.  Marriage can be viewed as a partnership between two people and deciding who is going to carry out specific roles and responsibilities is key to making the partnership run smoothly.  Couples are encouraged to consider if one or both partners will work or whether one partner will stay home as well as what specific tasks each partner will be responsible for (household chores, finances, cooking, etc.).

2.     Finances

Finances are one of the most common areas of conflict for couples. Pre-marital counseling can help couples learn to prevent or manage issues related to conflict by considering and talking about the following: how are finances going to be managed (will one partner take control of paying the bills or both?).  Will partners combine finances into one joint bank account or maintain separate accounts? How is debt prior to the relationship/marriage going to be handled once married? What financial goals, both short- and long-term, does each partner have?

3.     Family Planning

Couples should talk about each partner’s goals for what their idea of creating a family means.  Does this include having children? If so, how many children does each partner want?  If the couple wants children, how will infertility be handled if it becomes relevant?  If the couple does not want to have children, what other meaning of family can be established?

4.     Boundaries with others outside of your relationship

Another common area of conflict for couples is disagreements about how relationships with other people are managed. This can include friendships or extra-marital relationships and if not managed effectively, a couple’s relationship can be negatively impacted by one partner feeling betrayed. Therefore it is recommended that couples consider what each partner feels is appropriate and inappropriate regarding how they participate in other relationships.  Couples need to consider whether it is appropriate to maintain relationships with opposite gendered individuals; how much time each partner should be able to spend with other people; and how couples will manage extra-marital affairs if any should occur. 

5.     Intimacy

Intimacy is an avenue for couples to connect however oftentimes partners carry different meanings to what this means. Intimacy can entail physical affection and closeness, emotional intimacy, or physical intimacy; therefore it is important for couples to discuss how intimacy will play a role in the relationship.  Are there expectations for intimate moments (how often, the type of intimacy, etc.)?  How will intimacy play a role in managing or resolving conflict?

6.     Short- and long-term goals

As individuals, we all carry hopes and dreams for ourselves however once we enter into committed relationships we need to consider whether our goals are compatible with our partner and his or her goals.  Some areas couples are encouraged to consider are goals related to career, finances, family planning, hobbies/activities, retirement, and leaving behind a legacy.  Being in agreement about both individual and couple goals can help promote couples to work together to achieve their goals, which can promote an increase in relationship satisfaction.

7.     Spirituality

Depending on our upbringings, experiences, and preferences, we each possess belief systems about faith, spirituality, or other aspects outside of ourselves that can serve as sources of comfort and support.  Spirituality can play a part in relationships to various degrees therefore it is important for couples to share each other’s thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and lifestyle preferences.  If partners within a couple do not share similar beliefs, they need to be able to talk about how they can manage their differences in order to prevent it from negatively impacting their relationship.

8.     Conflict management

It is inevitable that couples are going to engage in disagreements and conflict however it is how a couple manages their conflict that can determine level of relationship satisfaction and feelings of connection.  Couples are encouraged to talk about each partner’s preferences for dealing with conflict as well as how they witnessed conflict being managed in their families of origin.  This can be an opportunity for couples to address their communication styles as well as develop effective coping and conflict management skills.

9.     Parents and in-laws

Parents and extended family members can play significant roles in our lives and oftentimes influence our intimate partner relationships.  It is common for couples to experience challenges with decisions about how family relationships will be managed once they combine their individual lives into a partnership.  Couples are encouraged to consider how they will manage their time with parents/in-laws; what boundaries need to be established with parents/in-laws; and how any potential conflict with parents/in-laws will be managed when it arises. 

10.  Meaning of your marriage commitment

One of the most crucial topics couples are encouraged to spend time talking about is what it means to each partner to be getting married.  Is it a life-long commitment or something that works for now? What are each partner’s beliefs about separation or divorce? Couples should share with one another what it is about each partner that attracted them to one another and reasons they want to maintain a relationship with this person.  Does the meaning of the relationship change once a couple gets married? 

These are just a few aspects of a relationship that couples are encouraged to spend time thinking and talking about prior to making a commitment in order to prevent any surprises down the road.  Many couples find that through the process of addressing these areas, they learn to identify, acknowledge, and negotiate differences that bring them closer together and promote a stronger bond.  If you are engaged or are in a relationship and are contemplating taking the next step in your relationship, consider participating in pre-marital counseling. 

~ Cory Stege, M.S., LMFT